Things that suck: Getting screwed by Massachusetts pols

I hate the Massachusetts political machine. Last week, we heard about Senate President Robert Travaligni's brother getting a $40,000 pay raise (apparently because $260,000/year wasn't enough)...and today, we hear that war veterans are being forced to sign loans for college tuition because the Legislature ended their session without a decision? Isn't that the main reason why most of them signed up in the first place? Ever heard of honoring a promise?

The following is a quote by gubernatorial candidate Kerry Healey, from today's Boston Herald:

"The Legislature has made the appalling decision to vote on things like tuition breaks for illegal immigrants, but they couldn’t take the time to take a vote to help our Massachusetts war heroes...I find it deeply disturbing.”
National Guard officials say the bureaucratic red tape has left some soldiers scrambling to meet tuition costs.
“It appears that some schools are honoring the tuition fee waivers and some are not,” said National Guard spokesman Maj. Winfield Danielson. “We remain hopeful that the Legislature will fund the tuition waiver in an informal session.

Two groups are responsible here, and should be ashamed of themselves. MA Pols, and the colleges who won't honor war veteran tuition fee waivers. I want the Herald to post a list of those colleges who won't accept the waivers. Blacklist those schools! These guys, no matter how you feel about the war in Iraq, are putting their lives on the line, for us.

I'm not blind to the fact that Kerry Healey is a MA pol herself - she's spinning the whole situation for her own political gain (they're veterans, enough with the dramatic "hero" kick for spin - veteran says it all, thanks), but she's right in her overall sentiment.

I have a real problem with the fact that there are people in Massachusetts who are living illegally, not paying taxes, and are getting a break on tuition...especially when you factor in the fact that veterans aren't receiving the bare minimum of what's been promised to them.

I'm sure there are more than a few illegal immigrants who have stories that pull on our heartstrings, but rules should be enforced. It just goes to show how flawed our system of government in Massachusetts really is.

There is no gray area here.

What a bunch of absolutely pathetic losers. And they wonder why voter turnout is so low.

Things that suck: Dropping the ball - then shooting it, spraying it with lighter fluid, and watching it burn

A person really needs to work hard to screw up their life as badly as Maurice Clarett has. The juxtaposition of the following incidents - one in October 2003, and the other in August 2006 (this morning), is staggering.

October 2003 — Here are the 2003 Heisman hopefuls, in predicted order of finish:

MAURICE CLARETT, running back Ohio State, sophomore

Despite missing three games with injuries and much of a fourth, Clarett carried the Buckeyes to a national championship last season, rushing for 1,237 yards and 16 touchdowns. More importantly, he played big when the Buckeyes needed him most. Against Michigan, Clarett played through a shoulder injury to run for 119 yards and a touchdown and set up the winning score with a 26-yard reception. In the national title game against Miami, he ran for two touch-downs, including the game-winner in overtime.

---

August 2006 — Maurice Clarett was arrested early Wednesday after a highway chase that ended with police using Mace on the former Ohio State running back and finding four loaded guns in his truck, a police spokesman said.

Officers used Mace to subdue Clarett after a stun gun was ineffective because the former Fiesta Bowl star was wearing a bullet-resistant vest, Sgt. Michael Woods said.

"It took several officers to get him handcuffed," Woods said. "Even after he was placed in the paddy wagon, he was still kicking at the doors and being a problem for the officers."

Things that suck: Watching someone die

I wanted to scream after reading this story.

Assuming the parent of this 3-year old child is negligent, whose face do you smash in first: the parent (for not noticing their child was floating lifeless in the water), or the lifeguard-s, for their reaction?

Anthony Graham, 35, who was swimming with his daughter, noticed the boy floating in the water about 20 feet out and carried his lifeless body to the beach.

“I brought him in where the lifeguard was sitting. I laid him down,” said Graham, of Hyde Park.

But several witnesses said lifeguards said they wouldn’t do CPR without a mouthpiece to protect themselves, so two young moms trained in CPR took control.

Okay, completely sidestepping the fact that a 3-year old isn't the high-risk candidate the lifeguards should be worried about, where was their protective mouthpiece? Did they lie about taking CPR to get a nice relaxing summer job?

Still, if the parent was there and not paying attention, I say beat the snot out of them first.

Things that don't suck: Being Big Papi

I know most of you must have seen this today, but it deserves another mention. BSG posted a dandy of an article on the greatest clutch player in Boston sports history - Larry Legend v. Big Papi. Check out the numbers - care of Page 2:

• If Ortiz has one more walk-off hit in 2006, he'll be the first baseball hitter to have six in a single season since the division era began in 1969.
  
• Since the start of 2005, he's come up 13 times with the chance for a game-ending plate appearance and made an out only once (and he ended up winning that game in the 12th inning).
  
• He has the most walk-off hits in any four-year span (12, and that doesn't include the three in the 2004 playoffs, which made him the only player in history with three game-ending postseason hits).
  
• Since he joined the Red Sox in 2003, he has 15 walk-off hits and the rest of the team has 19 total. ... Since Aug. 1, 2004, Ortiz has hit 21 home runs in 138 at-bats in Late-Inning Pressure Situations (no other player has more than 13).
  
• Dusty Baker has the most career walk-off hits (25, including the playoffs), but Ortiz is 10 behind.
  
• And just for the record, none of those stats include all the times when he tied a game or gave the Red Sox the lead in the seventh or eighth inning.

These numbers are staggering. For starters, by the numbers, Big Papi is batting .923 with the game on the line. Folks, this is a game in which you can expect to go to the Hall of Fame having success 32% of the time - and that's during normal playing conditions.

However, BSG is right, Larry Legend is still tops, with Ortiz making a mamoth run at the title. This list shows the greatest clutch performers in baseball history, and if its any indication, Big Papi is making it easy to punch his Cooperstown ticket. Check out the names, as well as the successful conversions, on the list.

Things that suck: A can of worms, when you're taking a worm in the can

So, Boston.com carried this retardiculous article today, on the number of reported cases of sexual abuse in the American prison system.

Fewer than three prisoners in every 1,000 report they were sexually abused or harassed, but that probably is not the whole story, a government study says.

There may be far more sexual violence in prisons than is reported, the study's authors said, because inmates fear reprisal, adhere to a code of silence, do not trust the staff or are embarrassed.

Inmates fearing reprisal? Isn't getting bent over like Paris Hilton at a bachelor party enough? What could possibly be worse than getting up ended in prison?!

Fellas, if you look at that map, alls I gots to say is - if you break the law, just make sure it's in either South Carolina or New Mexico. Unless, of course, it's so bad in those prisons that nobody fesses up to getting "Barbara Mandrilled."** But whatever you do, don't do it in Texas or Florida. They seem like the most "loving" of states, according to this map. Which makes sense - the Bush brothers bent everyone over.

I think my favorite part of this article is this line, however - which demonstrates our tax dollars at work:

The report is the second one required by the Prison Rape Elimination Act of 2003, which was an attempt to solve a problem believed to be widespread.

I'm so glad Congress was taking a stand on this issue in 2003, especially considering nothing else was going on in the world that was more pressing than convicted man-on-man crimes of passion. WHO CARES.


**Editor's note: this joke was in reference to 80's superstar Barbara Mandrell, who sang "If Lovin' You is Wrong (I Don't Want to be Right)" which seemed apropos.

Things that don't suck: Crazy people (because they make life more interesting)

Edward James Olmos is a loony toon. Need proof? When asked if he would reprise his role as Lt. Martin Castillo for Michael Mann's big-budget adaptation of the hit 80's cop drama Miami Vice (you know, the #1 movie at the box office?!) - he declined:

[Edward James Olmos] reportedly had his agent send a VHS to Universal containing a 20-minute loop of Olmos staring silently into the camera in disgust.

If I were Michael Mann, I'd send a nice note back to him saying, "Sorry for thinking of you, you pock marked, washed-up has-been!"

Things that don't suck: Telling off Joel Siegel

So, ABC News fluff movie critic Joel Siegel got up and left the screening of Clerks 2 after about 40 minutes (apparently after a joke about beastiality)...

Kevin Smith had a great diatribe directed at that stupid idiot on his blog, which contained this doozy:

Cardinal rule of movie-going: shut your fucking mouth while the movie's playing. They even ask you to do so in the pre-show run-up to every flick ("Cell phones and pagers off, no talking during the show"). This guy went beyond talking, even; he was making a spectacle of himself as he left. I've now spoken to three folks in attendance last night, and all have said that Siegel WANTED everyone to know how disgusted he was, and that he was leaving. If you want to share your displeasure with everyone, that's fine, dude; just do it AFTER the movie, not during. Some folks were enjoying themselves. I don't come down to your job and slap the taste out of your mouth for coming up with a line like "'Shark Tale' Is a Halibut Good Time"; so don't fuck with my stuff WHILE IT'S STILL SCREENING.

I want to see Kevin Smith promoting his movie on Good Morning America. Very badly.

Things that suck: Overexaggerating

Now, before you say anything, I know. I'm one to talk. This may be the pot calling the kettle black, but then again, I'm not saying this to a newspaper with a circulation of 475,000 (and into the multi-millions when considering the web numbers).

I wasn't going to write anything today, but I got a little fired up when reading a piece on Tom Amorello (every time I say his name, I think Rage Against the Machine)...one quote really bothered me, from Senator Jack Hart, Democrat of South Boston (from Boston.com):

If we don't do something quickly, this could have lasting repercussions for years to come. During the tourist season, we have people around the region and the country saying Boston is an unsafe and corrupt city to go to because contractors got away literally with murder.

For a politician to say this to a newspaper is reprehensible. He should know better, especially considering the fact that most of his job is wordsmithing in order to pass legislation. I seriously doubt anyone would think that these people are responsible for murder. That's to say that they think someone intentionally left a 2-ton piece of concrete dangling, with the intent to watch it fall and crush some poor soul to death. He might as well just call them terrorists.

If anything, someone - the foreman in charge, the workers themselves - should be punished for negligence and gross misconduct. I remember 2 years ago, when the Herald was publishing daily photos of workers sleeping on the job, spending taxpayers money. The system is corrupt, and the unions make it easy to be lazy on the job, but murderers? Not from my point of view.

Things that suck: Shaving

I accidentally shaved off a part of my goatee today, so had to get rid of the whole thing. Effing razor moved down a notch as I was shaving, from a 3 to a 1 setting.

Picture Tom Selleck, sans mustache. Know how ridiculous he looks? Yeah, well, he's GOOD looking. I'm ready to kill someone at Wahl.

Things that suck: World War III

Uh-oh. Senior-level government officials in Japan are openly discussing a pre-emptive strike upon North Korea. So much for diplomacy.

Things that suck: Being overpriced

This new ball from Spaulding retails for $99. I will not buy one at that price, unless it guarantees a basket each and every time.


p.s. This basketball is worth more than Rajon Rando. Nice going tonight, Danny.

Things that still suck: Hwang Woo Suk and the Suktones

Found a little piece on disgraced cloning "pioneer" Hwang Woo-Suk today, floating around the web. If you recall, back in December, I wrote a little piece that "critiqued" the entire investigation. Now, to update the story:

1. Hwang Woo Suk does indeed suck. He lied about his findings. In fact, the only clone he got right was the photograph of the stem cells.
2. Hwang Woo Suk and the Suktones are already opening up a new lab.
3. Korean people really eat dogs.

...next thing you know, Suk is going to show up at Madame Tussauds claiming he cloned Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

From Reuters:

Hwang will open a research facility in Seoul and employ many researchers who have worked with him before, Lee said.

Medical researchers have said it will be nearly impossible for Hwang ever to publish again in a major journal because of the fraud perpetrated by his team.

Now, is it just me, or does this sound like the plotline to The Island of Dr. Moreau? Estranged scientist, conducting evil experiments with DNA...

Things that suck: Teabaggers

I can't believe I just read this story. Furthermore, I can't believe the Drudge Report link to the story reads, "Female cheerleader sues over 'teabagging', fondling at Marshall University..."

Why did these morons think a) that this was okay and b) that they were going to get away with it? Especially after the Duke rape incident!

Things that suck: Brownies

So, Bomber and I are going back & forth over the reasons why Americans don't dig soccer. Amongst my reasons are these points:

1. Soccer is only the world's favorite game because it costs the least amount of money to play. All you need is a ball.
2. The rules are too subjective. Yellowcards are ridiculous, and "extra time" is dumb.
3. Ending the game in a tie is fine. Ending a tie game with no scoring at all is stupid.
4. Soccer players might have great conditioning, but they're complete wussies. Especially if they're from Paraguay. Man, they're good at faking injuries. It makes me wonder why the French aren't better at soccer.

...which reminds me of a joke:

During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major. An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation.

The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you." The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said, "That is a very good idea..." he turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."

So, I've been watching the World Cup for the past few weeks. I've been trying my best to get into it. But all these long-haired wussies are driving me crazy. "Oooww, my toe! Oww! My shinguard! Oww, quit pinching me!" I propose that all Paraguayans (?) wear brown uniforms. Those Ecuadorans, too, they're big time wussies, afraid of a little contact.

And then, when I thought my argument couldn't get any better, our favorite curly-haired boyfriend adds his two cents in the Globe:

My absolute favorite thing about soccer is stoppage time. The whole world is watching and one guy on the planet knows how much time is really left. At any moment, the guy with the watch can throw up his hands and say, ``That's it." Really adds to the drama.

Bomber, now you find yourself squarely on the side of CHB.

Game. Set. Poop.

Things that suck: Getting ass-slapped in public (when you don't want it)

So, Marilyn Tushman owns a boutique on Newbury Street, and yesterday some guys from the state Inspectional Services Department paid her a little visit. They took her sandwich board sign, which is illegal to have in Back Bay, and threw it in the back of their truck. Then when she started making a fuss, they slapped her with a $200 fine.

...and then the assholes snapped her picture running after the truck:


All I can say is, TUSH-MAAAAAN!

Now here's the kicker: when she opened her store 18 years ago, she obtained a permit for the sign - and then they changed the laws on her. That little nugget of information was buried on the third page of the story, followed by this:

Meanwhile, a man nearby walked around with a cardboard sandwich sign attached to his body that said fatpacking.com. Apparently, signs that move are not in violation of the city code.

``I figured I'd walk around and see if I could attract attention," said Steven Silberberg , whose business takes people backpacking to help them lose weight. ``My marketing acumen comes right out of the 1960s. . . . I guess I'm a rebel."

Things that suck: Getting picked on for doing something good for others

Darryl Hannah was the butt of a few jokes this week for staging a 3-week protest in which she camped out in a tree to try to prevent an urban farm in South Central L.A. from being removed. The farm creates a safe, educational environment for kids, and brings social and economic relief for people whose daily life is filled with abject poverty and violence. It's a great idea.

The farm was sold in a back room deal by the City of Los Angeles 2 years ago for $5MM to a developer, who now wants to put a WalMart warehouse in its place unless he gets $16MM. So Darryl's out there, sweating it out in a tree, hoping to raise awareness & money from her celebrity friends, and what does she get in return? Ridicule.

In order to save this land, you can either donate to the Trust for Public Land, or directly to the South Central Farmers. If you donate to the South Central Farmers, and they cannot get the farm back, your money will be returned.

A big "eat shit" goes out to everyone who sits on their hands doing nothing. The voters who don't vote. The bored who don't take time out to help others. The wealthy who don't donate money unless it affects their tax returns.

Things that don't suck: Lucky Louie

I just watched a new sitcom on HBO called Lucky Louie last night, and I have to say, it's got to be the funniest 30 minutes of television I've seen since All in the Family.

Louie C.K. takes a live studio audience, a normal Roseanne-style sitcom mold, and promtly destroys it right in front of your face. It's got heart, it's got a message...and it's got balls. I was in tears I was laughing so hard at it last night. DVR it and watch it. It was so funny that I'm watching it again tonight.

Don't believe me? Check out the reviews:

• USA Today: Louie more lousy than lucky
• Salt Lake Tribune: 'Lucky Louie' is foulmouthed, but not all that funny
• Boston Globe: "...look for the good (Entourage), the bad (Dane Cook's Tourgasm), and the ugly (Lucky Louie)"
• Boston Herald: HBO’s ‘Entourage’ excels, but ‘Lucky Louie’ is a loser

When the critics hate something this much, you know it has to be good - same thing happened to South Park, All in the Family, Family Guy, The Simpsons...

Critical failure = success in Hollywood.

Things that suck: When your big bat is a juicer

From Deadspin.com:

Grimsley says that a former employee of [redacted] and personal fitness trainer to several Major League Baseball players once referred him to an amphetamine source. Later, this source — not the trainer — provided him with “amphetamines, anabolic steroids and human growth hormone.” This trainer? His name is Chris Mihlfeld, a Kansas City-based “strength and conditioning guru.” (And former Strength And Conditioning Coordinator for the Royals.)

Does Mihlfeld’s name sound familiar? If it doesn’t, he — and we assure you, this gives us no pleasure to write this — has been Albert Pujols’ personal trainer since before Pujols was drafted by the Cardinals in the 13th round of the 1999 draft. We have no confirmation that Pujols’ name is in the affidavit … but Mihlfeld’s is. If you read the document, it doesn’t say the trainer/Mihlfeld supplied all the HGH and what-not; it just says the trainer was the referrer.

Bomber may be in for more pain the rest of the season...if Pujols is juiced, he's going to have a hard time concentrating on hitting home runs with a camera & microphone stuck in his face, Barry Bonds-style...

Things that suck: Not seeing the forest through the trees

It's got to suck, being the head of a terrorist organization these days, especially if you don't come from a lot of money like Osama bin Laden. It means that when the CIA puts a $25 million bounty on your head, you can't match it. So when someone close to you flips on you, nobody in the organization will care, because your death is for the greater good:

• You're now a martyr, complete with 72 virgins at your disposal
• The organization can add about 500 shoulder-mount missle launchers and 2500 SA80 assault rifles
• Ice tea for everyone. What better way to show the organization you care about it's members than to offer a nice cool refreshment for those hot jihad days in the desert.

Why are people so stupid? I was home yesterday, and had the TV on in the background and Live with Regis and Kelly was on - they were interviewing Charlie Gibson, the new anchor for World News Tonight. Charlie was asked about the bounty, and his response, which seems to be the standard response these days, was something along the lines of - "Where would someone go with $25 million in the desert?" Meaning, it wouldn't be like hitting the lottery, because they'd stick out like a sore thumb.

Ummmm...EXACTLY. We are a nation of idiots.

Things that don't suck: Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies

Great googlie-mooglie. Boston.com posted an article today that included a recipe for chewy chocolate chip cookies, and I made them tonight. They are frickin AWESOME. I might eat the entire plate of them. So its either read a book, work, or play Day of Defeat. Any combination of these works, with a plate full of hot melty chocolate chip cookies and a tall ice cold glass of milk.

Here's that recipe:

2 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup dark brown sugar
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) cold unsalted butter, cut into pieces
2 eggs
1 extra egg yolk
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
3 cups bittersweet chocolate, chopped

1. Set the oven at 350 degrees. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper.

2. In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, salt, baking soda, and baking powder.

3. In an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment (if you have one) or the whisk, cream the brown and granulated sugars and butter for 5 minutes or until fluffy.

4. In a bowl, beat the eggs and extra yolk just to mix them.

5. With the mixer on medium speed, add the egg mixture and vanilla. Mix until well combined, scraping down the sides of the bowl with a spatula once or twice. Add the flour mixture and beat until combined. Remove the bowl from the mixer stand. With a rubber spatula, fold in the chocolate.

6. Remove golf-ball sized lumps of dough and set them on the sheets 3 inches apart. Bake the cookies for 12 minutes or until they are just beginning to turn golden.

7. Cool on the baking sheets. Store cooled cookies for up to 3 days in an airtight container.

Things that suck: College Republicans

Quick - somebody tell these people they're all going to Hell if they don't stop doing shit like this:

http://www.crnc.org/index.php?content=beach

Seriously, how stupid are these people? College Republicans are all starting to look and act like Paris Hilton and her Greek heir boyfriends.

Things that suck: Being in the RIAA crosshairs

Comcast is now offering a sort of "burst" technology that temporarily boosts your bandwidth while you're downloading files. I'm wondering how long it's going to take the RIAA to sue bandwidth providers - like someone suing the state in order to decrease the speed limit after a bad highway accident. You would think that this would never happen, that it's a case that would never hold water...but whenever the rich are involved, you never know. Anything impacting their bottom line is in the legal department's crosshairs.

Take for example, the way that Comcast quantifies its new improved services:

At those speeds, three MP3 music files could be downloaded in 6.6 seconds, while a 686-megabyte video game could be downloaded in 12 minutes, according to the company.

Now, sure, you can say that you can download iTunes files legally...however, those are M4P files. And sure, there are legal MP3 files being offered on the Web. But we all know that's not what Comcast is gunning for here. Just curious if Jeremy or Ed want to chime in on this matter, being our resident legal beagles.

Things that suck: Being a complete sham

Pat Robertson is claiming that he leg-pressed 2000 lbs in 2002. This is not a joke, he's really claiming it. Finally, indisputable proof that he's a liar! For all those keeping track at home, 2000 lbs = 1 ton. I'm wondering if someone asked him how much he leg-pressed, and he responded "Oh, I don't know. But it's a ton of weight."

Then there's this quote:

The CBN Web site attributes Robertson's energy in part to "his age-defying protein shake." The site offers a recipe for the shake, which contains ingredients such as soy protein isolate, whey protein isolate, flaxseed oil and apple cider vinegar.

I'm guessing the shake is provided to him by Victor Conte. Can we ban him from our lives forever?

Things that suck: The measles

Our friend Josh may want to spend a little more time out of the office...Reuters is reporting that there is an outbreak of measles in the John Hancock Tower. A little about measles:

Measles was long considered a normal childhood disease, but the virus can cause severe complications in otherwise healthy children and adults, including sometimes fatal encephalitis, pneumonia and diarrhea.

I cannot think of anything worse to die from than diarrhea.

Things that don't suck: Dodd '08

I've been pretty vocal about wanting to vote for John McCain in the upcoming presidential elections, but I have to say, after hearing today that Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT) is running...for the first time in my entire life, I greatly admire two men running for the Presidency. The fact that one is a Democrat, and one is a Republican makes me feel validated as a truly Independent voter.

I think the thing I like best about both men is their poise. Both are strong personalities - Dodd is the stronger, more dominant orator. McCain is a decorated veteran who has sacrificed his body & soul for this country. Neither of them are compromised by lobbyists, neither of them put up with bullshit (don't believe any of McCain's right-wing appearances lately, the ends will justify the means).

Best part? If they make it through to the final round, we won't have to vote for an elitist,

• Senator Christopher J. Dodd
• Senator John McCain

unlike in our last election. Lots of character, great senses of humor, enormously strong-willed leaders who look out for middle-America. Things are looking up, finally. Now if we can only get past the $20 million war chest Hillary has set up already. It's too bad - Bill Clinton would probably endorse Dodd if she weren't running.

After all that, watch. It's going to be Jeb Bush vs. Hillary Clinton in '08.

Things that don't suck: Erasing mistakes

You know, I'm so glad that Bryan Singer took over the Superman franchise. For me, the biggest reason is because in Superman Returns, we are expected to move forward from an endpoint of Superman II, rather than Superman V.

That means no Brewster's Millions vs. Superman, no Nuclear Man...Lois Lane still can't figure out that the bespeckled goofball Clark Kent is actually the Man of Steel...and another great actor takes the helm as the world's greatest villain, Lex Luthor (and not just for a payday).

I'm also satisfied, because I think that Superman vs. Batman, while a great storyline, was inevitably going to be ruined by a director like McG, who doesn't "get" any of this.

Take a look at the International Trailer for Superman Returns - it looks fantastic, especially the final shot.

Things that suck: Not graduating on time

Check out this story, found on Boston.com:


Doesn't that guy look a little long in the tooth to be a freshman in high school? I mean, come on buddy - just get your GED instead! Does he really need his high school diploma anyway? They pay Santa Claus impersonators $40,000 at some malls for 30 days of work.

Things that suck: Iran

So, according to this news story, Iran is now going to require Jews and Christians to wear badges, identifying them as non-Muslim citizens. I pulled some strings to get a sneak-preview of the badges - Sean Penn sent me the draft mockup - it's the Press badge he had to wear in Iran last year while reporting for the San Francisco Chronicle:

Stupid question: I know this is completely beside the point but...why would anybody of those particular faiths want to live there in the first place? Family ties? Good grief.

Things that suck: Ruining the moment

You know, like pointing out the fact that the hottest supermodel in the world, Adrianna Lima, has a moustache?

Things that suck: The Boston real estate market

Click to open my feedback to the editors of the real estate section of Boston.com:

Things that suck: Double standards

Headlines on the Drudge Report today read, "Eyes were red and watery, speech was slightly slurred, and upon exiting his vehicle, his balance was unsure." Sound familiar?

Things that don't suck: Presidential Roasts

The always-ballsy Stephen Colbert ("The Colbert Report") totally burned the president at the annual White House Correspondents Dinner - all the headlines went to that Bush impersonator, who's pretty funny in his own right...but Colbert was, without question, the highlight of the night. None of the major news networks showed his clips in fear of being labeled "liberal" - he put W on a skewer and ate him alive. Read about it here. Kick ass.

In another semi-tangental story, people are now donating blood for gas. They're called soldiers.

Update:

• Colbert roast video part I
• Colbert roast video part II
  
• Colbert roast video part III

Things that suck: Killing somebody the next time

Seeing that the Prizblog is down & out while Ed "focuses on his occupation"...I thought I might update everyone on the Anthony Galluccio story. He got off, no charges. What a joke. From what I've heard, he was stumbling drunk when he got out of the car. Seriously, screw the Boston political scene, it's so friggin corrupt it's not even funny.

And this, from the Boston Herald:

Galluccio has been charged with the offense twice before, but received a governor’s pardon in 1993 for a 1984 offense.

I'm guessing his response to Governor Weld after hearing that he was successfully pardoned in 1993 was, "Thank you sir - it'll never happen again."

A tiger never changes his stripes.

Things that don't suck: You nincom-f__in-poop!

Please, trust me on this one. Watch this dude, all the way to the end. He gets so much more entertaining as time passes...

http://www.break.com/index/spiritoftruth.html

Things that don't suck: High-tech stealing

Nice article on the Red Sox brand new video archival system that they travel with...5 terabytes of data on this monster...it contains video taken from several angles, both from a batter and pitcher's perspectives...which they credit for a very important moment in Red Sox history:

"In the sixth inning of that game, Dave Roberts pulled up every at-bat he could find of [Yankees reliever] Mariano Rivera pitching with a runner on first base," Conley says. "He played that on a loop. He was trying to gain an edge. Then he went in as a pinch runner in the ninth inning, stole second base and scored, and we turned things around. Having that video was another tool in the shed."

My only problem here is...why did he wait until the 6th inning?! I called that stolen base the day he was traded here for Nomar! I wonder what else they're stealing...

Things that suck: Having your face rubbed in your tragedy

Imagine the following scenario:

You're a 9-year old kid from Boston named Tom Holmes. Love baseball. You've got 2 brothers and a sister, and a loving Mom & Dad. Dad's a detective for the BPD. You love your Dad. One day, you come home from school to find out that your Dad's been shot and killed in a jewelry store heist, leaving your family without its patriarch. Your life is forever changed; ruined.

11 years later, your oldest brother gets killed in a car accident. Your mother dies later that year. In 1991, your older brother gets stabbed to death and has his throat slashed on Valentine’s Day. Seven years later, at the young age of 44, you find out you need a heart transplant.

Then, in 2003, in a cruel twist of fate, the state fails you by letting one of your Dad's killers out of jail on a technicality. He walks free into the Fresh air of Post Office Square, a 5-minute walk from where he was partially responsible for the 6 bullets that ripped through your fathers body, leaving him dead in the street.

Yesterday, in what can accurately define the phrase "Adding insult to injury," the Boston Globe runs a piece in which they try to make that man, your father's killer, a sympathetic figure in an article about prison reform. What a slap in the face.

It's one thing to watch Shawshank Redemption, and feel good that Morgan Freeman escaped the horrible confines of the corrupt prison environment. After all, he feels absolute remorse for his actions. But it's fiction. It didn't erase a lifetime of happy memories for an entire family.

You can say that this particular family's series of unfortunate events is just that - bad luck. I think it was induced by one tragic event, and because of that, that the people responsible should never see the light of day again. It wasn't an accident.

So, to the Boston Globe, I say, shove this article up your ass, and don't let it see the light of day ever again, either.

A quote from today's Herald by Thomas R. Holmes, now 49:

"From the time it happened it destroyed our family,” he said. “He wasn’t supposed to get out. He was never supposed to get out of jail.”

Things that don't suck: The Onion's take on iTunes

The Onion has a great story on iTunes this week...

Read: iTunes To Sell You Your Home Videos For $1.99 Each

Things that suck: Going 0-for-13

Interesting piece on the 25th anniversary of the longest baseball game ever played - a 33-inning monster in Pawtucket that lasted over 8 hours...one guy watched his average drop about 30 points after going 0-for-13!

Things that suck: Not being accountable for your actions

Please, indulge me while I say a short prayer:

Please God, please give Tony Armas the cajones to throw a heater at Pedro Martinez's bean tonight. Noone deserves to get scared at the plate like Pedro. Don't hit him, just scare the crap out of him. He does it to everyone else!

Amen.

I think Pedro still thinks he's in the AL...hello, earth to Pedro...you have to BAT in this league...

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/preview?gameId=260412120

Update: Tony Armas is a pussy.

Things that suck: Not getting sarcasm

Newsflash! Wily Mo Pena is a dumbass. From Boston.com:

After today’s missed catch, Pena made back-to-back plays on fly balls to end the inning, prompting a mock cheer from the sellout crowd. Pena didn’t get the sarcasm.

“That was incredible,” he said. “It gave like more energy to me. They’re happy here, whatever you do.”

Um, Wily ...

Things that suck: Having to say, "My grandfather is Jock Semple."

In 1967, in an attempt to protest/raise awareness for women's rights, Katherine Switzer entered the Boston Marathon. Women weren't allowed to participate at the time. As she started the race, the race's unofficial Assistant Director, Jock Semple, tried to run up behind her and rip her number off in anger (photo to the right). Jock was met by another race participant, Thomas Miller, who threw a huge block on him, sending him to his ass on the side of the road (see sequence, below).

from Boston.com:

In 1967, Katherine Switzer, who registered as K.V. Switzer, was grabbed by race official Jock Semple (wearing dress shoes in photo), who attempted to tear off her number.

When women were first allowed to enter in 1972, eight ran. Last year, the total was 7,708.

Things that suck: RCN's helpdesk

So, for the past few months, RCN has been showing these unintentionally hysterical commercials, hosted by Jim O'Connor. Jim takes people through some "simple" steps to get the most out of your RCN broadband connection. Sounds good, right? This commercial is directly aimed at the over-50 crowd - you know, the ones that are calling them all the time, bugging them about technical issues, such as "I can't open the pictures my daughter sent me."

The first commercial they released talked about setting up email. He makes it sound very simple at first...then you realise after about 8 steps, you've stopped listening. He goes through about 15 steps in 30 seconds, all in rapid-fire format - the whole time having this cheery-sounding voice that seems to beckon, "See? See how easy this is? See?" Must I remind you, it's a 60-second commercial? I'm guessing someone over 50 isn't really going to get much value out of these complete wastes of time.

The best one, by far, is the one where Jim takes us through the steps of power cycling your modem. Man, all you people with Comcast, you have no idea what you're missing. If anyone out there knows what I'm talking about, please respond!

Things that suck: The MicMouse

New, from the makers of Bad Idea Jeans...The MicMouse! "Perfect" for those who use Skype, GoogleTalk - any econferencing software out there! That is, if you're an idiot.

Check out where they placed the microphone - dead center of the mouse! I'm guessing this invention didn't go through very many rounds of testing before being manufactured. Maybe the inventor just holds his mouse differently. Maybe he's got like, 3 fingers or something, or a hole in the middle of his hand...

All this can be yours, for $14.97.

Things that suck: It's not a tu--mah. Oh no wait yeah it is.

Swedish scientists have determined a definite link between cellphone radiation and brain tumors. First they said there was a link, then they disclaimed those findings....and now they're back to saying that the link is there, and its definite.

C|Net has compiled a list of cellphones and their accompanying Specific Absorption Rate (SAR) value. You can look up your phone in there, see if you need to start chemo tomorrow.

The easiest way to sidestep this issue is to use a Bluetooth handsfree unit. Of course, once the Swedes get around to testing Bluetooth and its affect on the brain, we'll probably all be dead of Bluetooth radiation poisoning. That's what's happening to the Blue Man Group. Very sad.

I say just go back to using pay phones. The only thing you'll catch off one of those is a bad cold, and unless you're like 90, you can recover from that pretty quickly.

Things that don't suck: Gone, Baby, Gone - the novel

Ben Affleck is scouting out locations in Boston for his directorial debut, a novel by local author Dennis Lehane called Gone, Baby, Gone. This is an incredible book. Please, do yourself a favor and read it before seeing the movie. It's one story from a 5-part series of books featuring two private investigators from Dorchester. Read them all. They are as follows, in order:

1. A Drink Before the War
2. Darkness, Take My Hand
3. Sacred
4. Gone, Baby, Gone
5. Prayers for Rain
   

These novels burn hotter and hotter as you go along - Lehane really hits his stride with Darkness, Take My Hand, but you need to read A Drink Before the War to really appreciate the inside dark humor. All of these novels, such as the case with any great novel, focus on character development first. Once you're hooked, you're in for a real thrill ride.

Lehane is the best crime author in the world right now. He penned Mystic River, the story that Clint Eastwood ruined by making it into a movie. If you liked Eastwood's Mystic River, you'll be stunned at how much better the book is. It's unrelated to this particular crime series, but it's one of the most complete psychological thrillers I've ever read. The ending is much, much more shocking (think, the ending of the movie Se7en).

Anyway, you can thank me later, once you've completed your summer reading.

Things that suck: Sharon Stone (literally)

There seems to be a disconnect in Sharon Stone's reality. First she visits Israel "on a mission to support peace and help children." Then, in the same interview cuts off a reporter who begins to ask about Basic Instinct 2, saying, "I'm naked (in the movie); usually that's what people really want to know, so we can move on to the next question."

So, why not add the final piece to the Sharon Stone loves children triumverate. This really makes it all seem complete now, doesn't it:

Actress SHARON STONE is adamant teenagers should be prepared to engage in oral sex, if it saves from them the dangers of unprotected penetrative sex. The BASIC INSTINCT spends much of her time away from Hollywood working as an activist raising AIDS awareness, and she always carries condoms with her to hand out in a bid to increase safe sex levels.

She explains, "I was in the store the other day and I watched a young girl trying on clothes, showing her abdomen. "Her mother was trying to talk to her about not being inappropriately luring. I said, 'Gee that would look much nicer with a camisole under.' "Her mother walked away, and I said to the girl, 'I'd like to give you a two-minute conversation about sex.' "Young people talk to me about what to do if they're being pressed for sex? I tell them (what I believe): oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. "If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I'm not embarrassed to tell them."

Things that don't suck: Mark Sweeney

Mark Sweeney's presence in the SF Giants lineup this year will keep them in the hunt for the NL West title. If you don't believe me, you can ask ESPN Baseball analyst Jayson Stark - he thinks so, too. From the San Francisco Gate:

...The Angels picked him in the ninth round of the 1991 draft. The Dodgers actually drafted him the year before, but he returned for his senior season at the University of Maine, where he batted .384 and completed a business degree.

He was a year behind J.T. Snow in the Angels' system and admired the way Snow handled being yo-yoed between the big club and Triple-A. In 1995, Sweeney was dealt to St. Louis, where he made his big-league debut, and he has been a classic journeyman since, with stops in San Diego, Cincinnati, Milwaukee, San Diego again, Colorado and San Diego for a third time.

Yes, he often is confused with Kansas City Royals first baseman Mike Sweeney and said, "I first met him in a spring training game. He was catching with the Royals. I stepped up to the plate and I said, 'Nice to meet you, and I'm tired of getting your mail.' He started laughing."

The Giants plucked Mark Sweeney off the free-agent market in December, signing him to a two-year, $1.8 million contract that ESPN baseball analyst Jayson Stark called one of the three best signings for under $2 million this offseason.

"Thank God I didn't see that," Sweeney joked. "That's really meaningless to me. I just want to come in here and help in my own way for a lot of different reasons. Obviously, my job is to come off the bench later in the games to make us a better ballclub. With guys like (Jose) Vizcaino here and some of the guys we have off the bench, that's going to be one of our strengths."

Things that don't suck: 41-hour sociology experiments

This kid spent his spring break at Wal-Mart. Unlike the stores around here, the Wal-Marts in the midwest are superstores - they have pharmacies, grocery/produce, restaurants, hair salons....you name it. He spent 41 straight hours in one, going undetected. Just blended in with the surroundings. Didn't steal anything, just paid as he went.

Now, the reason I say that this does not suck is simple: this kid, if he's smart, will milk this into a cool million. Write a book, do some TV interviews. Yes, it sucks, he didn't go on Spring Break, but hey - he's only a sophomore, and he can always go next year. And by this time next year, he'll be able to buy a 27' Laveycraft to take out on Lake Havasu.

Things that suck: Getting caught

Things that suck: Forgetting to take your happy pills in the morning

I think Eric Wilbur forgot to take his Zoloft this morning. He wrote a real Debbie Downer article in today's Globe. Here's how he ends it:

Wily Mo Pena is indeed a long-term project. But he’s also one that is going to be so maddeningly frustrating to watch develop that Red Sox Nation is likely going to label him a bust long before he gets the chance to achieve any level of greatness.

Key the music - "Wah-wah-waaaaaaaaah..."

Things that suck: Having a mistaken identity

Funny quote by my favorite all-time Red Sox, David Ortiz - from the Globe:

He did come home with one tale to tell. At the team hotel in San Diego, he answered a knock at his door to find Fidel Castro's son, the Cuban team's physician.

''I was nervous," Ortiz said with a laugh. ''He told me, 'Whenever you come to Cuba, I'll take care of you.' [I thought], 'OK, they might confuse me as a Cuban and keep me there.' He came with my agent to say hi and take pictures. I gave a whole bunch of shoes to them."

Things that suck: Having to work through your lunch break

Reuters is reporting that the NCAA Tournament site in San Diego has been evacuated. A bomb-sniffing dog stopped after finding a potential hit.

In a hot dog cart.

Imagine that, a dog not concentrating on his job while standing next to a hot dog cart filled with piping-hot hot dogs & sausages...

Things that don't suck: The Final Four

Here is some bracket-busting information, care of ESPN research:

Team Facts
(all-time NCAA Tournament record in parentheses)

Florida (17-12)

• 8th straight appearance, all under Billy Donovan; before Donovan arrived, UF had been to the NCAA Tournament just 5 times in school history.
• Since reaching the title game in 2000, Florida has failed to get past the 2nd round every year since, and has lost to a lower seeded opponent in doing so. And remember that they nearly went down in the 1st round in 2000 as well, if not for Mike Miller’s OT buzzer-beater vs. Butler.
  

George Mason (0-3)

• Patriots seek 1st victory after coming up just short of an upset of No. 3 seed Maryland in their last appearance in 2001 (83-80).

LSU (19-21)

• The Tigers have been disappointing in the last two trips under John Brady
• As a No. 6 seed last year, they lost to UAB by 14
• As a No. 8 seed in 2003, they lost to Purdue by 24
• LSU did reach the Sweet 16 in its first Tourney appearance under Brady in 2000, but not before getting a big-time scare from No. 13 seed SE Missouri in the 1st round (64-61).
  

UCLA (85-32)

• Seeking 1st win since 2002, when the Bruins advanced to the Sweet 16.
• Ben Howland led Pittsburgh to the Sweet 16 in both trips he made with them in 2002 and 2003.
• This year was the earliest UCLA has reached the 20-win mark since the National Championship season of 1994-95
  

Things that don't suck: Soothsaying

Looking at ESPN this morning, I can't help but get excited. Look who's wearing a Boston Red Sox cap:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story
?page=mrbracket/gonzaga/men

Could this mean we're looking at a future Celtic? Methinks yea. #17, here we come.

Things that don't suck: iPope

I firmly believe that everyone should join the revolution. I hope they don't find any illegal downloads on the Pope's iPod. That would make for a messy legal battle, and the Vatican would have to get Silas to kick some more ass.

Is there any doubt in anyone's mind that his holiness has the most boring song list of all time?

From C|Net:

On Friday, when Pope Benedict XVI paid his first visit to Vatican Radio, he was awarded with a pleasant little surprise: a shiny new iPod. Apparently, the gift, which was of the white, 2GB Nano variety, left quite an impression on His Holiness, who is said to have replied, "Computer technology is the future." The MP3 player was preloaded with a selection of the radio's programming, along with several classical music compositions by the likes of Beethoven, Mozart, and Chopin. The station's technical staff, who chose the gift, also opted to have the back engraved with the words "To His Holiness, Benedict XVI" in Italian.

Things that suck: Forgetting that good stats don't make good people

Kirby Puckett died last night, at the age of 45. He had a massive stroke, because he was nauseatingly fat. The Hall of Famer had a cadre of ass-kissers that followed him during his career; lest we forget, he was a horrible person away from the game.

From the SI expose on Kirby Puckett, written by Frank DeFord in 2003:

"Puckett’s ex-wife, Tonya, divorced him in December, barely a year after she told police that he threatened to kill her during a telephone conversation. Over the years, she told SI, Puckett had also tried to strangle her with an electrical cord, locked her in the basement and used a power saw to cut through a door after she had locked herself in a room. Once, she said, he even put a cocked gun to her head while she was holding their young daughter."

Things that suck: Biting the hand that...robs the cradle

You know you're a complete loser when...

You write a book about your life in which you say your brother likes to fondle children, and that his kids are the result of an anonymous sperm donor. Then you realize that you live in a house that he owns, and have second thoughts. You think to yourself, "Hey, maybe he'll have a problem with me saying this." But you're too late. He throws a hissy-fit, threatening publicly to kick your ass.

And if that isn't bad enough...your brother is Michael Jackson.

That's right, your child-molesting, 90-pound, melted cheese-faced younger brother scares you. You decide to opt out of writing a book that noone would ever read anyway because you are afraid of losing everything...which isn't much because you were an uninteresting loser to begin with.

Things that suck: Douchebags

David Wells is a jerk. He's also a bad father, as evidenced by this recent exchange, as documented in the Boston Globe. Chris Snow kisses more ass in this article than an E! Oscar correspondent. The fact that he titled his article A Nice Changeup is disgraceful. It should be called "A Big Fat Ignorant Overpaid Douchebag Figures Out Nobody Wants Him."

And yes, that's Darryl Strawberry carrying Wells' left leg in this photo. For the record, I'd rather see him on the Sox roster than Wells.

As Wells finished up with the media his son, Lars, soon to be 7 and named after Metallica's drummer, was being chased around the clubhouse by Beckett, who was in full uniform.

''Just hit him with it," Wells said, referring to the bat in the kid's hands.

''He already did," Beckett said.

This came a few minutes after Lars Wells had picked up some chewing tobacco.

''Take a dip," Wells said, challenging his son.

The kid began to smile and walked away, stunned and not sure what to do.

Wells, turning back to the group, said, ''He'll puke his brains out."

Things that don't suck: Over the shoulder boulder holders

Shock Absorber is a company that creates sports bras in the UK. They've created a great site that illustrates the science behind sports bra technology. Select your desired cup size, then choose an activity level, from Light to Extreme. The app renders your selection in three forms, nude, normal bra, and Shock Absorber bra, and you watch an animation of the model jogging at a speed somehow related to the activity level.

Brilliant.

Things that don't suck: Bringing in the ringer

If you haven't seen this yet, you're in for a real treat. CBS ran this story a few weeks ago. Jason McElwing, a teenager with autism from Rochester, NY, worked as the team manager of his high school basketball team. During the last game of the season, his coach thought it would be nice if he gave him some real exposure to a game. What he did was create a memory that no one will ever forget. This is the stuff of legend.

Things that don't suck: Great escapes

There is much talk surrounding the World Baseball Classic, and most of it centers around politics, as opposed to the competition itself. I could care less about the tournament, like most people. I'm more interested in seeing if more Cuban players defect. There was a good piece on Jose Contreras on Outside the Lines today - this guy gave up everything to come to play in the U.S., and now doesn't even want to live here.

Things that suck: Being clueless

He's got to be kidding. What's his excuse the rest of the time?

From CBS4's website:

Ramirez also confirmed that he won't be joining the Dominican Republic's team for the World Baseball Classic on Thursday, and instead spend the month playing with Boston.

"I'm not ready, so I'm not going to go out there and make a fool of myself," he said.