Things that suck: Teabaggers

I can't believe I just read this story. Furthermore, I can't believe the Drudge Report link to the story reads, "Female cheerleader sues over 'teabagging', fondling at Marshall University..."

Why did these morons think a) that this was okay and b) that they were going to get away with it? Especially after the Duke rape incident!

Things that suck: Brownies

So, Bomber and I are going back & forth over the reasons why Americans don't dig soccer. Amongst my reasons are these points:

1. Soccer is only the world's favorite game because it costs the least amount of money to play. All you need is a ball.
2. The rules are too subjective. Yellowcards are ridiculous, and "extra time" is dumb.
3. Ending the game in a tie is fine. Ending a tie game with no scoring at all is stupid.
4. Soccer players might have great conditioning, but they're complete wussies. Especially if they're from Paraguay. Man, they're good at faking injuries. It makes me wonder why the French aren't better at soccer.

...which reminds me of a joke:

During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major. An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation.

The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you." The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said, "That is a very good idea..." he turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."

So, I've been watching the World Cup for the past few weeks. I've been trying my best to get into it. But all these long-haired wussies are driving me crazy. "Oooww, my toe! Oww! My shinguard! Oww, quit pinching me!" I propose that all Paraguayans (?) wear brown uniforms. Those Ecuadorans, too, they're big time wussies, afraid of a little contact.

And then, when I thought my argument couldn't get any better, our favorite curly-haired boyfriend adds his two cents in the Globe:

My absolute favorite thing about soccer is stoppage time. The whole world is watching and one guy on the planet knows how much time is really left. At any moment, the guy with the watch can throw up his hands and say, ``That's it." Really adds to the drama.

Bomber, now you find yourself squarely on the side of CHB.

Game. Set. Poop.

Things that suck: Getting ass-slapped in public (when you don't want it)

So, Marilyn Tushman owns a boutique on Newbury Street, and yesterday some guys from the state Inspectional Services Department paid her a little visit. They took her sandwich board sign, which is illegal to have in Back Bay, and threw it in the back of their truck. Then when she started making a fuss, they slapped her with a $200 fine.

...and then the assholes snapped her picture running after the truck:


All I can say is, TUSH-MAAAAAN!

Now here's the kicker: when she opened her store 18 years ago, she obtained a permit for the sign - and then they changed the laws on her. That little nugget of information was buried on the third page of the story, followed by this:

Meanwhile, a man nearby walked around with a cardboard sandwich sign attached to his body that said fatpacking.com. Apparently, signs that move are not in violation of the city code.

``I figured I'd walk around and see if I could attract attention," said Steven Silberberg , whose business takes people backpacking to help them lose weight. ``My marketing acumen comes right out of the 1960s. . . . I guess I'm a rebel."

Things that suck: Getting picked on for doing something good for others

Darryl Hannah was the butt of a few jokes this week for staging a 3-week protest in which she camped out in a tree to try to prevent an urban farm in South Central L.A. from being removed. The farm creates a safe, educational environment for kids, and brings social and economic relief for people whose daily life is filled with abject poverty and violence. It's a great idea.

The farm was sold in a back room deal by the City of Los Angeles 2 years ago for $5MM to a developer, who now wants to put a WalMart warehouse in its place unless he gets $16MM. So Darryl's out there, sweating it out in a tree, hoping to raise awareness & money from her celebrity friends, and what does she get in return? Ridicule.

In order to save this land, you can either donate to the Trust for Public Land, or directly to the South Central Farmers. If you donate to the South Central Farmers, and they cannot get the farm back, your money will be returned.

A big "eat shit" goes out to everyone who sits on their hands doing nothing. The voters who don't vote. The bored who don't take time out to help others. The wealthy who don't donate money unless it affects their tax returns.

Things that don't suck: Lucky Louie

I just watched a new sitcom on HBO called Lucky Louie last night, and I have to say, it's got to be the funniest 30 minutes of television I've seen since All in the Family.

Louie C.K. takes a live studio audience, a normal Roseanne-style sitcom mold, and promtly destroys it right in front of your face. It's got heart, it's got a message...and it's got balls. I was in tears I was laughing so hard at it last night. DVR it and watch it. It was so funny that I'm watching it again tonight.

Don't believe me? Check out the reviews:

• USA Today: Louie more lousy than lucky
• Salt Lake Tribune: 'Lucky Louie' is foulmouthed, but not all that funny
• Boston Globe: "...look for the good (Entourage), the bad (Dane Cook's Tourgasm), and the ugly (Lucky Louie)"
• Boston Herald: HBO’s ‘Entourage’ excels, but ‘Lucky Louie’ is a loser

When the critics hate something this much, you know it has to be good - same thing happened to South Park, All in the Family, Family Guy, The Simpsons...

Critical failure = success in Hollywood.

Things that suck: When your big bat is a juicer

From Deadspin.com:

Grimsley says that a former employee of [redacted] and personal fitness trainer to several Major League Baseball players once referred him to an amphetamine source. Later, this source — not the trainer — provided him with “amphetamines, anabolic steroids and human growth hormone.” This trainer? His name is Chris Mihlfeld, a Kansas City-based “strength and conditioning guru.” (And former Strength And Conditioning Coordinator for the Royals.)

Does Mihlfeld’s name sound familiar? If it doesn’t, he — and we assure you, this gives us no pleasure to write this — has been Albert Pujols’ personal trainer since before Pujols was drafted by the Cardinals in the 13th round of the 1999 draft. We have no confirmation that Pujols’ name is in the affidavit … but Mihlfeld’s is. If you read the document, it doesn’t say the trainer/Mihlfeld supplied all the HGH and what-not; it just says the trainer was the referrer.

Bomber may be in for more pain the rest of the season...if Pujols is juiced, he's going to have a hard time concentrating on hitting home runs with a camera & microphone stuck in his face, Barry Bonds-style...

Things that suck: Not seeing the forest through the trees

It's got to suck, being the head of a terrorist organization these days, especially if you don't come from a lot of money like Osama bin Laden. It means that when the CIA puts a $25 million bounty on your head, you can't match it. So when someone close to you flips on you, nobody in the organization will care, because your death is for the greater good:

• You're now a martyr, complete with 72 virgins at your disposal
• The organization can add about 500 shoulder-mount missle launchers and 2500 SA80 assault rifles
• Ice tea for everyone. What better way to show the organization you care about it's members than to offer a nice cool refreshment for those hot jihad days in the desert.

Why are people so stupid? I was home yesterday, and had the TV on in the background and Live with Regis and Kelly was on - they were interviewing Charlie Gibson, the new anchor for World News Tonight. Charlie was asked about the bounty, and his response, which seems to be the standard response these days, was something along the lines of - "Where would someone go with $25 million in the desert?" Meaning, it wouldn't be like hitting the lottery, because they'd stick out like a sore thumb.

Ummmm...EXACTLY. We are a nation of idiots.

Things that don't suck: Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies

Great googlie-mooglie. Boston.com posted an article today that included a recipe for chewy chocolate chip cookies, and I made them tonight. They are frickin AWESOME. I might eat the entire plate of them. So its either read a book, work, or play Day of Defeat. Any combination of these works, with a plate full of hot melty chocolate chip cookies and a tall ice cold glass of milk.

Here's that recipe:

2 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup dark brown sugar
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) cold unsalted butter, cut into pieces
2 eggs
1 extra egg yolk
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
3 cups bittersweet chocolate, chopped

1. Set the oven at 350 degrees. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper.

2. In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, salt, baking soda, and baking powder.

3. In an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment (if you have one) or the whisk, cream the brown and granulated sugars and butter for 5 minutes or until fluffy.

4. In a bowl, beat the eggs and extra yolk just to mix them.

5. With the mixer on medium speed, add the egg mixture and vanilla. Mix until well combined, scraping down the sides of the bowl with a spatula once or twice. Add the flour mixture and beat until combined. Remove the bowl from the mixer stand. With a rubber spatula, fold in the chocolate.

6. Remove golf-ball sized lumps of dough and set them on the sheets 3 inches apart. Bake the cookies for 12 minutes or until they are just beginning to turn golden.

7. Cool on the baking sheets. Store cooled cookies for up to 3 days in an airtight container.

Things that suck: College Republicans

Quick - somebody tell these people they're all going to Hell if they don't stop doing shit like this:

http://www.crnc.org/index.php?content=beach

Seriously, how stupid are these people? College Republicans are all starting to look and act like Paris Hilton and her Greek heir boyfriends.

Things that suck: Being in the RIAA crosshairs

Comcast is now offering a sort of "burst" technology that temporarily boosts your bandwidth while you're downloading files. I'm wondering how long it's going to take the RIAA to sue bandwidth providers - like someone suing the state in order to decrease the speed limit after a bad highway accident. You would think that this would never happen, that it's a case that would never hold water...but whenever the rich are involved, you never know. Anything impacting their bottom line is in the legal department's crosshairs.

Take for example, the way that Comcast quantifies its new improved services:

At those speeds, three MP3 music files could be downloaded in 6.6 seconds, while a 686-megabyte video game could be downloaded in 12 minutes, according to the company.

Now, sure, you can say that you can download iTunes files legally...however, those are M4P files. And sure, there are legal MP3 files being offered on the Web. But we all know that's not what Comcast is gunning for here. Just curious if Jeremy or Ed want to chime in on this matter, being our resident legal beagles.

Things that suck: Being a complete sham

Pat Robertson is claiming that he leg-pressed 2000 lbs in 2002. This is not a joke, he's really claiming it. Finally, indisputable proof that he's a liar! For all those keeping track at home, 2000 lbs = 1 ton. I'm wondering if someone asked him how much he leg-pressed, and he responded "Oh, I don't know. But it's a ton of weight."

Then there's this quote:

The CBN Web site attributes Robertson's energy in part to "his age-defying protein shake." The site offers a recipe for the shake, which contains ingredients such as soy protein isolate, whey protein isolate, flaxseed oil and apple cider vinegar.

I'm guessing the shake is provided to him by Victor Conte. Can we ban him from our lives forever?

Things that suck: The measles

Our friend Josh may want to spend a little more time out of the office...Reuters is reporting that there is an outbreak of measles in the John Hancock Tower. A little about measles:

Measles was long considered a normal childhood disease, but the virus can cause severe complications in otherwise healthy children and adults, including sometimes fatal encephalitis, pneumonia and diarrhea.

I cannot think of anything worse to die from than diarrhea.

Things that don't suck: Dodd '08

I've been pretty vocal about wanting to vote for John McCain in the upcoming presidential elections, but I have to say, after hearing today that Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT) is running...for the first time in my entire life, I greatly admire two men running for the Presidency. The fact that one is a Democrat, and one is a Republican makes me feel validated as a truly Independent voter.

I think the thing I like best about both men is their poise. Both are strong personalities - Dodd is the stronger, more dominant orator. McCain is a decorated veteran who has sacrificed his body & soul for this country. Neither of them are compromised by lobbyists, neither of them put up with bullshit (don't believe any of McCain's right-wing appearances lately, the ends will justify the means).

Best part? If they make it through to the final round, we won't have to vote for an elitist,

• Senator Christopher J. Dodd
• Senator John McCain

unlike in our last election. Lots of character, great senses of humor, enormously strong-willed leaders who look out for middle-America. Things are looking up, finally. Now if we can only get past the $20 million war chest Hillary has set up already. It's too bad - Bill Clinton would probably endorse Dodd if she weren't running.

After all that, watch. It's going to be Jeb Bush vs. Hillary Clinton in '08.

Things that don't suck: Erasing mistakes

You know, I'm so glad that Bryan Singer took over the Superman franchise. For me, the biggest reason is because in Superman Returns, we are expected to move forward from an endpoint of Superman II, rather than Superman V.

That means no Brewster's Millions vs. Superman, no Nuclear Man...Lois Lane still can't figure out that the bespeckled goofball Clark Kent is actually the Man of Steel...and another great actor takes the helm as the world's greatest villain, Lex Luthor (and not just for a payday).

I'm also satisfied, because I think that Superman vs. Batman, while a great storyline, was inevitably going to be ruined by a director like McG, who doesn't "get" any of this.

Take a look at the International Trailer for Superman Returns - it looks fantastic, especially the final shot.

Things that suck: Not graduating on time

Check out this story, found on Boston.com:


Doesn't that guy look a little long in the tooth to be a freshman in high school? I mean, come on buddy - just get your GED instead! Does he really need his high school diploma anyway? They pay Santa Claus impersonators $40,000 at some malls for 30 days of work.

Things that suck: Iran

So, according to this news story, Iran is now going to require Jews and Christians to wear badges, identifying them as non-Muslim citizens. I pulled some strings to get a sneak-preview of the badges - Sean Penn sent me the draft mockup - it's the Press badge he had to wear in Iran last year while reporting for the San Francisco Chronicle:

Stupid question: I know this is completely beside the point but...why would anybody of those particular faiths want to live there in the first place? Family ties? Good grief.

Things that suck: Ruining the moment

You know, like pointing out the fact that the hottest supermodel in the world, Adrianna Lima, has a moustache?

Things that suck: The Boston real estate market

Click to open my feedback to the editors of the real estate section of Boston.com:

Things that suck: Double standards

Headlines on the Drudge Report today read, "Eyes were red and watery, speech was slightly slurred, and upon exiting his vehicle, his balance was unsure." Sound familiar?

Things that don't suck: Presidential Roasts

The always-ballsy Stephen Colbert ("The Colbert Report") totally burned the president at the annual White House Correspondents Dinner - all the headlines went to that Bush impersonator, who's pretty funny in his own right...but Colbert was, without question, the highlight of the night. None of the major news networks showed his clips in fear of being labeled "liberal" - he put W on a skewer and ate him alive. Read about it here. Kick ass.

In another semi-tangental story, people are now donating blood for gas. They're called soldiers.

Update:

• Colbert roast video part I
• Colbert roast video part II
  
• Colbert roast video part III