Things that don't suck: Survivor, Cook Islands

If you haven't heard already, the latest installment of Survivor will initially divide contestants by race: White, Hispanic, African American, and Asian. Host Jeff Probst calls this "just another chapter of a very public social experiment" - and I think that this is a good thing.

When it comes to race, I think there should be more open debate. I'm compelled to watch this show more than any other Survivor, because I'm rooting for the contestants to buck stereotypes. The United States is a melting pot, and I'm hoping the new season shows that our society is moving towards a confluence of race - it would surely stand in stark contrast to the rest of the world.

I think it's easy for someone to say that this show should be pulled from the air - especially when their boiled-down argument is "Because racism is bad." I truly believe that political correctness is about as helpful to racism as George W is to Iraq. It's the ideas behind the words that need to be healed, not the words themselves. Censorship covers up the truth. If you can't tell what I'm thinking, how can you tell me why I'm wrong?

At worst, what this show is going to do is make us think. Make us talk. Make us disagree. It's okay to disagree, as long as, in the end, you listen to the other person's point of view. We're not robots. Yet.

This is officially my #1 show to watch this year.

Things that suck: But I'm not playing footsie with you, dear...

So, some of you may remember this posting of mine from January, "Things that suck: Rattling Kong's Cage" - it referenced an earthquake that shook a theater during a screening of King Kong, that made moviegoers feel like they were part of the movie. I remember thinking to myself as I was writing it, "Man, if I were a little kid watching that movie and that happened, I'd either think it was the coolest thing ever, or I'd be so completely terrified that I'd never go to the moves again."

So, that was pretty bad, right? Well, read this!

Two live diamondback rattlesnakes were released in an Arizona movie theater during a showing of the new film "Snakes on a Plane," according to Local 6 News.

Authorities said pranksters released the young venomous rattlesnakes in a dark theater at the AMC Desert Ridge near Tatum and Loop 101 in Phoenix. The two snakes caused a panic in the dark theater, according to the report.

"That to me is very scary," herpetological association representative Tom Whiting said. "I would hate to be watching a movie about snakes and have a rattlesnake bite me."

Wranglers were called to collect the snakes, the report said.

You know, for the record, a "prankster" sprays graffiti, or leaves a flaming bag of poop on someone's doorstep. A prankster doesn't release venomous snakes into a crowded theater!

Things that suck: Going to school in Thailand

JonBenet's killer gives me the creeps.

Police said Karr had applied for jobs at Bangkok's dozens of international schools. They had said earlier one had hired him.

"People like him are dangerous. We have criminals from all over the world running away from their home countries to look for teaching jobs in Thailand," Suwat said.

Wow. There goes their marketing campaign slogan for new urban development: "Thailand. A great place for kids."

Things that don't suck: Bruno Giovanni Quidaciolu, Jr.

Beloved character actor Bruno Kirby (born Bruno Giovanni Quidaciolu, Jr.) has passed on, at the age of 57. He died of leukemia, with which he was recently diagnosed. Bruno was fantastic - he was my favorite part of the movie City Slickers. I love that movie. Best line:

Billy Crystal: That was "have a pleasant and restful evening."
Bruno Kirby: No, that was "I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?"

Here's a brief list of his more-famous movie roles:

• Donnie Brasco (1997) .... Nicky
• Sleepers (1996) .... Shakes' Father
• The Basketball Diaries (1995) .... Swifty
• Hoffa (1992) (uncredited) .... Nightclub comic
• City Slickers (1991) .... Ed Furillo
• The Freshman (1990) .... Victor Ray, Carmine's Nephew
  
• We're No Angels (1989) .... Deputy
• When Harry Met Sally... (1989) .... Jess
  ... aka When Harry Met Sally (USA: DVD box title)
• Good Morning, Vietnam (1987) .... 2nd Lt. Steven Hauk
• Tin Men (1987) .... Mouse
• This Is Spinal Tap (1984) .... Tommy Pischedda
  ... aka This is Spinal Tap®: A Rockumentary by Martin Di Bergi (USA: complete title)
• Modern Romance (1981) .... Jay
• The Godfather: Part II (1974) (as B. Kirby Jr.) .... Young Clemenza (Peter)
  ... aka Mario Puzo's The Godfather: Part II (USA: complete title)

Rest in peace, Bruno.

Things that don't suck: Pay for Punk'd

So, I just received this email from a buddy of mine today, who just bought a new Dell desktop:

I agreed to be part of a marketing study for Dell. They are gonna come watch and video tape me putting it together and then I have to fill out a survey once a week for four weeks. I get $200 gift certificate for Dell after it's done

So, of course, the gears started turning in my head...there are several ways to make this more interesting:

1. Get drunk before they get there. Wasted, Mel Gibson drunk.
   
2. Keep saying repeatedly, "Dude, quit taping my Dell."
3. At some point look directly at the camera and say, "Is Wayne Brady gunna have to choke a bitch?"
4. Keep plugging the cords in upside down.

Any other suggestions?

Things that don't suck: The message board for NBC's "Treasure Hunters"

If anyone watches the show "Treasure Hunters" on NBC, you'll get a kick out of this posting, which, I may add, was written a week before the answer to the online game was given. And it was right. This was essentially the world's baddest endzone celebration - this guy knew where the treasure was, with such certainty, that he had time to come up with all this (NMAH = National Museum of American History):

After assembling the puzzle and reading these clues, the answer is obvious. It's the NMAH. My reasoning.

1. Rush to see the treasure stand. The only stand that is on the National Mall is Morgan's and Donz's hot dog stand. Located in front of the NMAH. Those dogs are pure treasure (although I remember when the Pilgram Dog was only $16.20).

2. See the inspirational underwater room. The summer rains in Washington brought floods to the Museums on the National Mall. Some rooms were under water.

3. Carved in the wall. In one of the bathrooms in the basement of the NMAH, where it was quite dark, I found some words carved in the wall. Although not patriotic, I was able to track down the author to one I.C. Weiner, of Gettysburg, Pennslyvania.

4. Hail to the Redskins. An obvious reference to the NFL. The NFL has a Hall of Fame. A Museum of National and American Leagues Football History. Shortened to MNAH, the anagram of NMAH.

5. The misty clues cover the symbolic ones. "Play Misty For Me." An early Clint Eastwood film. Later he stars in the classic, but Oscar overlooked, "Every Which Way But Loose." The flag, when in the wind, flies every which way but loose.

6. The game plan was laid. Again an obvious reference to the NFL.

7. Clupea Harengus. No need to use that part of the clue. Wiped out the Colours. Colours=Crayons. You are not allowed to write on the walls of the NMAH with crayons.

8. The Confederacy won. Another terms for Confederacy is Rebels. The University of Mississippi are the Rebels. Famous Rebel quarterback, Archie Manning, former NFL player and father of present day NFL quarterbacks, Eli and Payton Manning. Again, another NFL clue.

9. Debt even hits oil. The anagram. Don't Believe This (cleaned up for the younger ones playing the game). In other words ignore all the obvious clues and the words circled in red. Which means anywhere but the Lincoln Memorial. Which is probably a correct guess, but should be narrowed down to the NMAH.

I can't wait to get my phone call soon. I'm already packed.

Things that suck: Us

...for making this moron famous:

Britney's "ugly" video

August 11, 2006

A video of Britney Spears has been leaked on to the internet.

The three-minute rant filmed by her husband Kevin Federline shows the 'Toxic' singer moaning about feeling "ugly" and missing out on life.

She fumes: "I'm ugly. My jaw hurts. I feel confused. I feel like I have been missing out on life.

Kevin asks: "What part of life?"

To which Britney snaps: "Things. Just things that are going on. I feel like I'm behind or something. It sounds weird but I do. I want to see a movie."

Kevin insists her wild partying is to blame and asks her if she would rather watch a movie or go out with her friends.

In answer, Britney slams her fist on the table and demands: "What's that supposed to mean? I would go watch the movie and then drink at home."

The singer then launches into a bizarre conversation about time travel.

She says: Have you ever seen 'Back to the Future'? Is that possible - to travel back in time? I think some people can do that. I think some people are ahead of us."

Kevin replies: "Could you imagine how many people would try to go back and change things?"

Things that suck: The Computer Guys

Has anyone else seen this commercial? Could these guys be any more unenthused about their jobs?

"...we're The Computer Guys..."

http://www.thecomputerguys.com/commercial.php

It's either the worst commercial ever made, or a stroke of genius. They don't sound too shabby according to their website:

The Computer Guys, Inc. (TCG), an expert in strategic IT services for small and medium sized businesses, was honored by the MetroWest Chamber of Commerce as an outstanding local business. The Chamber awarded The Computer Guys the Small Business of the Year Award at their November Annual meeting on November 17th.

Things that suck: Getting screwed by Massachusetts pols

I hate the Massachusetts political machine. Last week, we heard about Senate President Robert Travaligni's brother getting a $40,000 pay raise (apparently because $260,000/year wasn't enough)...and today, we hear that war veterans are being forced to sign loans for college tuition because the Legislature ended their session without a decision? Isn't that the main reason why most of them signed up in the first place? Ever heard of honoring a promise?

The following is a quote by gubernatorial candidate Kerry Healey, from today's Boston Herald:

"The Legislature has made the appalling decision to vote on things like tuition breaks for illegal immigrants, but they couldn’t take the time to take a vote to help our Massachusetts war heroes...I find it deeply disturbing.”
National Guard officials say the bureaucratic red tape has left some soldiers scrambling to meet tuition costs.
“It appears that some schools are honoring the tuition fee waivers and some are not,” said National Guard spokesman Maj. Winfield Danielson. “We remain hopeful that the Legislature will fund the tuition waiver in an informal session.

Two groups are responsible here, and should be ashamed of themselves. MA Pols, and the colleges who won't honor war veteran tuition fee waivers. I want the Herald to post a list of those colleges who won't accept the waivers. Blacklist those schools! These guys, no matter how you feel about the war in Iraq, are putting their lives on the line, for us.

I'm not blind to the fact that Kerry Healey is a MA pol herself - she's spinning the whole situation for her own political gain (they're veterans, enough with the dramatic "hero" kick for spin - veteran says it all, thanks), but she's right in her overall sentiment.

I have a real problem with the fact that there are people in Massachusetts who are living illegally, not paying taxes, and are getting a break on tuition...especially when you factor in the fact that veterans aren't receiving the bare minimum of what's been promised to them.

I'm sure there are more than a few illegal immigrants who have stories that pull on our heartstrings, but rules should be enforced. It just goes to show how flawed our system of government in Massachusetts really is.

There is no gray area here.

What a bunch of absolutely pathetic losers. And they wonder why voter turnout is so low.

Things that suck: Dropping the ball - then shooting it, spraying it with lighter fluid, and watching it burn

A person really needs to work hard to screw up their life as badly as Maurice Clarett has. The juxtaposition of the following incidents - one in October 2003, and the other in August 2006 (this morning), is staggering.

October 2003 — Here are the 2003 Heisman hopefuls, in predicted order of finish:

MAURICE CLARETT, running back Ohio State, sophomore

Despite missing three games with injuries and much of a fourth, Clarett carried the Buckeyes to a national championship last season, rushing for 1,237 yards and 16 touchdowns. More importantly, he played big when the Buckeyes needed him most. Against Michigan, Clarett played through a shoulder injury to run for 119 yards and a touchdown and set up the winning score with a 26-yard reception. In the national title game against Miami, he ran for two touch-downs, including the game-winner in overtime.

---

August 2006 — Maurice Clarett was arrested early Wednesday after a highway chase that ended with police using Mace on the former Ohio State running back and finding four loaded guns in his truck, a police spokesman said.

Officers used Mace to subdue Clarett after a stun gun was ineffective because the former Fiesta Bowl star was wearing a bullet-resistant vest, Sgt. Michael Woods said.

"It took several officers to get him handcuffed," Woods said. "Even after he was placed in the paddy wagon, he was still kicking at the doors and being a problem for the officers."

Things that suck: Watching someone die

I wanted to scream after reading this story.

Assuming the parent of this 3-year old child is negligent, whose face do you smash in first: the parent (for not noticing their child was floating lifeless in the water), or the lifeguard-s, for their reaction?

Anthony Graham, 35, who was swimming with his daughter, noticed the boy floating in the water about 20 feet out and carried his lifeless body to the beach.

“I brought him in where the lifeguard was sitting. I laid him down,” said Graham, of Hyde Park.

But several witnesses said lifeguards said they wouldn’t do CPR without a mouthpiece to protect themselves, so two young moms trained in CPR took control.

Okay, completely sidestepping the fact that a 3-year old isn't the high-risk candidate the lifeguards should be worried about, where was their protective mouthpiece? Did they lie about taking CPR to get a nice relaxing summer job?

Still, if the parent was there and not paying attention, I say beat the snot out of them first.

Things that don't suck: Being Big Papi

I know most of you must have seen this today, but it deserves another mention. BSG posted a dandy of an article on the greatest clutch player in Boston sports history - Larry Legend v. Big Papi. Check out the numbers - care of Page 2:

• If Ortiz has one more walk-off hit in 2006, he'll be the first baseball hitter to have six in a single season since the division era began in 1969.
  
• Since the start of 2005, he's come up 13 times with the chance for a game-ending plate appearance and made an out only once (and he ended up winning that game in the 12th inning).
  
• He has the most walk-off hits in any four-year span (12, and that doesn't include the three in the 2004 playoffs, which made him the only player in history with three game-ending postseason hits).
  
• Since he joined the Red Sox in 2003, he has 15 walk-off hits and the rest of the team has 19 total. ... Since Aug. 1, 2004, Ortiz has hit 21 home runs in 138 at-bats in Late-Inning Pressure Situations (no other player has more than 13).
  
• Dusty Baker has the most career walk-off hits (25, including the playoffs), but Ortiz is 10 behind.
  
• And just for the record, none of those stats include all the times when he tied a game or gave the Red Sox the lead in the seventh or eighth inning.

These numbers are staggering. For starters, by the numbers, Big Papi is batting .923 with the game on the line. Folks, this is a game in which you can expect to go to the Hall of Fame having success 32% of the time - and that's during normal playing conditions.

However, BSG is right, Larry Legend is still tops, with Ortiz making a mamoth run at the title. This list shows the greatest clutch performers in baseball history, and if its any indication, Big Papi is making it easy to punch his Cooperstown ticket. Check out the names, as well as the successful conversions, on the list.

Things that suck: A can of worms, when you're taking a worm in the can

So, Boston.com carried this retardiculous article today, on the number of reported cases of sexual abuse in the American prison system.

Fewer than three prisoners in every 1,000 report they were sexually abused or harassed, but that probably is not the whole story, a government study says.

There may be far more sexual violence in prisons than is reported, the study's authors said, because inmates fear reprisal, adhere to a code of silence, do not trust the staff or are embarrassed.

Inmates fearing reprisal? Isn't getting bent over like Paris Hilton at a bachelor party enough? What could possibly be worse than getting up ended in prison?!

Fellas, if you look at that map, alls I gots to say is - if you break the law, just make sure it's in either South Carolina or New Mexico. Unless, of course, it's so bad in those prisons that nobody fesses up to getting "Barbara Mandrilled."** But whatever you do, don't do it in Texas or Florida. They seem like the most "loving" of states, according to this map. Which makes sense - the Bush brothers bent everyone over.

I think my favorite part of this article is this line, however - which demonstrates our tax dollars at work:

The report is the second one required by the Prison Rape Elimination Act of 2003, which was an attempt to solve a problem believed to be widespread.

I'm so glad Congress was taking a stand on this issue in 2003, especially considering nothing else was going on in the world that was more pressing than convicted man-on-man crimes of passion. WHO CARES.


**Editor's note: this joke was in reference to 80's superstar Barbara Mandrell, who sang "If Lovin' You is Wrong (I Don't Want to be Right)" which seemed apropos.

Things that don't suck: Crazy people (because they make life more interesting)

Edward James Olmos is a loony toon. Need proof? When asked if he would reprise his role as Lt. Martin Castillo for Michael Mann's big-budget adaptation of the hit 80's cop drama Miami Vice (you know, the #1 movie at the box office?!) - he declined:

[Edward James Olmos] reportedly had his agent send a VHS to Universal containing a 20-minute loop of Olmos staring silently into the camera in disgust.

If I were Michael Mann, I'd send a nice note back to him saying, "Sorry for thinking of you, you pock marked, washed-up has-been!"

Things that don't suck: Telling off Joel Siegel

So, ABC News fluff movie critic Joel Siegel got up and left the screening of Clerks 2 after about 40 minutes (apparently after a joke about beastiality)...

Kevin Smith had a great diatribe directed at that stupid idiot on his blog, which contained this doozy:

Cardinal rule of movie-going: shut your fucking mouth while the movie's playing. They even ask you to do so in the pre-show run-up to every flick ("Cell phones and pagers off, no talking during the show"). This guy went beyond talking, even; he was making a spectacle of himself as he left. I've now spoken to three folks in attendance last night, and all have said that Siegel WANTED everyone to know how disgusted he was, and that he was leaving. If you want to share your displeasure with everyone, that's fine, dude; just do it AFTER the movie, not during. Some folks were enjoying themselves. I don't come down to your job and slap the taste out of your mouth for coming up with a line like "'Shark Tale' Is a Halibut Good Time"; so don't fuck with my stuff WHILE IT'S STILL SCREENING.

I want to see Kevin Smith promoting his movie on Good Morning America. Very badly.

Things that suck: Overexaggerating

Now, before you say anything, I know. I'm one to talk. This may be the pot calling the kettle black, but then again, I'm not saying this to a newspaper with a circulation of 475,000 (and into the multi-millions when considering the web numbers).

I wasn't going to write anything today, but I got a little fired up when reading a piece on Tom Amorello (every time I say his name, I think Rage Against the Machine)...one quote really bothered me, from Senator Jack Hart, Democrat of South Boston (from Boston.com):

If we don't do something quickly, this could have lasting repercussions for years to come. During the tourist season, we have people around the region and the country saying Boston is an unsafe and corrupt city to go to because contractors got away literally with murder.

For a politician to say this to a newspaper is reprehensible. He should know better, especially considering the fact that most of his job is wordsmithing in order to pass legislation. I seriously doubt anyone would think that these people are responsible for murder. That's to say that they think someone intentionally left a 2-ton piece of concrete dangling, with the intent to watch it fall and crush some poor soul to death. He might as well just call them terrorists.

If anything, someone - the foreman in charge, the workers themselves - should be punished for negligence and gross misconduct. I remember 2 years ago, when the Herald was publishing daily photos of workers sleeping on the job, spending taxpayers money. The system is corrupt, and the unions make it easy to be lazy on the job, but murderers? Not from my point of view.

Things that suck: Shaving

I accidentally shaved off a part of my goatee today, so had to get rid of the whole thing. Effing razor moved down a notch as I was shaving, from a 3 to a 1 setting.

Picture Tom Selleck, sans mustache. Know how ridiculous he looks? Yeah, well, he's GOOD looking. I'm ready to kill someone at Wahl.

Things that suck: World War III

Uh-oh. Senior-level government officials in Japan are openly discussing a pre-emptive strike upon North Korea. So much for diplomacy.

Things that suck: Being overpriced

This new ball from Spaulding retails for $99. I will not buy one at that price, unless it guarantees a basket each and every time.


p.s. This basketball is worth more than Rajon Rando. Nice going tonight, Danny.

Things that still suck: Hwang Woo Suk and the Suktones

Found a little piece on disgraced cloning "pioneer" Hwang Woo-Suk today, floating around the web. If you recall, back in December, I wrote a little piece that "critiqued" the entire investigation. Now, to update the story:

1. Hwang Woo Suk does indeed suck. He lied about his findings. In fact, the only clone he got right was the photograph of the stem cells.
2. Hwang Woo Suk and the Suktones are already opening up a new lab.
3. Korean people really eat dogs.

...next thing you know, Suk is going to show up at Madame Tussauds claiming he cloned Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

From Reuters:

Hwang will open a research facility in Seoul and employ many researchers who have worked with him before, Lee said.

Medical researchers have said it will be nearly impossible for Hwang ever to publish again in a major journal because of the fraud perpetrated by his team.

Now, is it just me, or does this sound like the plotline to The Island of Dr. Moreau? Estranged scientist, conducting evil experiments with DNA...