Things that suck: Early retirement

Poor Jeeves. He's been "Asked" to leave the premises at his former employer, Ask.com, effective immediately. I actually liked Jeeves - I thought it was cool to have a butler, see how the other half lives. I think he got sick of me calling him Alfred all the time, though.

Here's the story about Jeeves's retirement - I'm wondering what Ask.com is thinking - how dare they attempt to topple the mighty Googletron?

Things that don't suck: Remembering segregation

It really wasn't that long ago that segregation existed. It's such an alien concept to me, that sometimes I forget that we're really not that far removed from a time where this was considered normal. How ridiculous.

http://www.remembersegregation.org/

Things that suck: Fat cats

Two things strike me about this story, about a cat with a 33-inch waist:

1. The only thing missing from this photo is a chef's hat on that guy's head. If you think that I'm crazy, tell me...where in this story can I find the cat's name? Oh wait - it's not there? That's because the cat's name is "General Gao".
2. Regarding the last line of the story: Do I really have to watch Local 6 for more? Is there really that much more to it? Are they going to give the cat his own sit-com, have Slim Fast sponsor him?
   

http://www.local6.com/news/7267453/detail.html

Things that don't suck: DVR

I love DVR.

Reason #1: What else would enable me to capture Hilton Armstrong flipping off the West Virginia crowd like this?


Reason #2: I watched the V for Vendetta preview like, 5 times in a row last night...the only thing keeping me from seeing this movie in the theaters is the fact that Natalie Portman is an awful actress. Her only great performance to date was in The Professional...and if you even try coming back to me with "...but she was nominated for an Oscar for Closer," I will fart in your general direction.

Reason #3: Tanith in slo-mo...and watching everyone else fall on their asses, especially that one girl who got CRUSHED and carried off on a stretcher...that was aweso...ful. Just awful.

Things that don't suck: Dave Chapelle

I don't know how many of you watch Inside the Actor's Studio with James Lipton, but there is a can't-miss episode airing March 5 featuring Dave Chapelle. I watched it this morning on Bravo, and man...this guy is exactly what we need more of in this country - someone unflinching, raw, and honest.

He's an amazing guy, and the way he has been portrayed recently in the media is highly inaccurate and really unfair. They've tried to define him, but Dave Chapelle escapes definition. To me, he's the world's greatest comedian, and a good guy to boot. To others, he's some nut who ran off to Africa. And to Oprah, he's an entertaining guest who makes her nether-regions tingle.

Check out the clips on Bravo's website, or tune on on March 5 at 8pm.

Things that don't suck: The origin of these headlines

I bought this t-shirt back when The Onion (online edition) first got started in the mid-90s. I wore it once, to a Korn/Metallica show in Foxboro. Luckily, people don't take me seriously enough to want to kick my ass. Because that would suck.

You'll notice, unless this is your first time here, that I changed the name of my blog. This is because my friend, over IM, asked me if I were a big fan of JoPa. After a few seconds, I realized that he was talking about Joe Paterno. He thought the URL I had just sent to him read, "Patterno Flogic" which makes about as much sense as anything else in this blog, so I changed it immediately.

Things that don't suck: Cosmic fate

For those of you who didn't know already, my daughter, Ella Grace Patterson, was born in the early hours of Sunday, February 5...and I can't get enough of her already.

I have a website set up for family that showcases her (email me for the address), so I'll save everyone my gushing details about how much I love her - yes, even though its Valentines Day. I did, however, want to talk about fate, because there was a really strange, wonderful coincidence that occured the day she was born.

Everyone in my family has always compared me to my uncle Paul, who passed away from complications with cancer in 2002. He was (and is) one of my favorites - he taught me to laugh hard, and never give up on anything. Anyone who has been to my house has seen the 6-foot tall wooden cowboy ("Woody") - a gift from him, complete with funny story. It was my "inheritance" after he passed away. Paul & Pat, peas in a pod - big sports buffs, joke tellers, life of the party.

So, it didn't dawn on me until about Thursday of last week that when Ella was born, she became something else that my Uncle Paul and I would share forever. We both helped deliver a beautiful daughter on the exact same day. My cousin Myndy, an actress, was born February 5, 1971.

I believe in science, but I also believe in cosmic fate. Life is full of circles.

Things that don't suck: Cool birthdays

I hope my son or daughter is born tomorrow, at 8:10am. That way, his or her birthday will be: February 4, 2006 at 8:10.

2-4-6-8-10!

I suck at remembering birthdays. That one will be easy to remember for anyone else else with my affliction.

Things that don't suck: The ugly duckling

The world's ugliest and most unreliable car of all time, the Aurora, has been restored - 50 years after the only one ever manufactured hit the pavement.

This is a fascinating story - a priest from New York, Father Alfred Juliano, had this crazy idea, to make the world's safest car. To fund his idea, Father Juliano asked his congregation for help. $30,000 later, he had his prototype. He was flying high.

Unfortunately, the 19-foot long Aurora broke down 15 times on the way to its launch party, so no one wanted to buy one.

The Aurora had some revolutionary ideas, such as seatbelts, a roll cage, side-impact bars, and a collapsible steering column...and it had some duds. Most people focussed on the duds. My favorites were:

1. Front-end air scoop, intended to reduce injuries to any pedestrians who get in the way (sounds like a great idea for cops who want to clear Boston Common of heroin addicts)
   


2. Front seats rotated 180 degrees so that the occupants could turn around and brace themselves if they saw a collision coming (also useful for Dads who want to make good on their typically idle threats "Don't make me come back there!")
   
   
3. Foam padding, that surrounded the car (great for when you're getting out of a tight spot after parallel parking - just give the guy behind you a good nudge, and off you go!)
   

The Aurora was ditched, and left behind an auto body shop in Connecticut, and there it sat for decades. Back in 1993, a classic auto enthusiast named Andy Saunders read about it, contacted the owner, and had it shipped to him in England, where he spent 12 years restoring it.

http://www.rexfeatures.com/features/516925/

Things that don't suck: R2Beer2

That's it. I'm moving to Tokyo.

Japanese beer maker Asahi plans to give away 5000 personal bartending bots, each of which can store up to six cans of beer in a refrigerated compartment within its belly. At the push of a button the simple robots will open a can and pour the chilled contents into a glass for a thirsty owner.

To win one of the beer-bots, in a promotion for the company's new low malt beer, contestants must collect 36 tokens found on the specially marked beers. But the competition, starting in February, is only open to those in Japan.

Things that don't suck: Taste tests

The Globe has a two good pieces on the various companies that provide delivery services for restaurants that don't deliver (i.e., DiningIn, EatNow). I implicitly trust this review, and it's completely because of this photo. When that girl in the pink talks food, I listen. Apparently she wasn't told she was getting photographed with the Click 5 for this story.

You know what they say, don't ever trust a bald barber or a thin chef.

I've tried DiningIn before, a few times. It's worth it if you order for larger groups of people. Or groups of larger people.

BlogRace: Week of February 1, 2006

BlogRace is a new feature, pitting some of my favorite blogs against one another. In order to win BlogRace, all you have to do is write something that's entertaining to me (after all it's my list). The winners (X5) all receive reciprocal links from my blog (and, seeing that the only people that read my blog are the same people that are competing, you can call this a meaningless battle).

So, just to set everyone straight: I now have three features - Things that suck, Things that don't suck, and BlogRace. And none of them are any good.

This week's winners are:

1. The Prizblog (Challenger +20 years). Fantastic post, written by a a good writer. Who should write a lot more.
   
2. Life of Smiley (Movie Quote Game). The best feature anyone has come up with so far. And I'm kicking all your asses.
3. That's No Moon... (I'm Officially a Steelers fan this weekend). Ben Roethlisburger + Jack Daniels + sorority chicks = paparazzi wet dream.
   
4. The Hag Bag (Adopt or Buy). I love dogs, and I'm going to adopt.
5. The Blog of Bomber (Bomber's Going to War). "...then again, I do work with lawyers." Good times.

Things that don't suck: 99-word essays that define "Fair Use"

This is from LiveJournal: a student is in the middle of a project. He needs to come up with a 99 word essay, with a one-word title. He chose to write about the Sony DRM fiasco:

Copyright

I love music, movies, and books. I also love technology. I want to use technology to deliver the media I love anywhere, anywhen, with anyone.

This is fair use: I bought it, let me use it. I will tell all my friends about my favorite music. I might play it for them or even give them a digital version of a song. This is evangelism, not theft. This is advertising you cannot buy.

Restrictive copyright is like a vegetarian knife. You bought the knife, but if you cut meat with it, we'll sue you. Excuse me? Let's think again.

My call: I don't buy CDs anymore, and I hate iTunes, especially after losing all my "legit" White Stripes albums when my Mac crashed. I'd rather pay for these things, but I won't until they come up with an agreement that makes sense, and quit going behind our backs to monitor our personal info. Get out of my hair. I'm just glad I have Sirius, because now I don't have a reason to download any of it, ever.

Things that suck: The Prosuckutor

This is in response to Bob's posting, "With great power comes great responsibility". In it Bob says, "Unfortunately prosecutors, like defense attorneys, are only human and thus capable of making mistakes."

And with that, I give you the tale of the Boston prosecutor who thought he could win over a jury by dressing up as The Gimp.

You've all heard of the trial by now - a Quincy woman working as a dominatrix has a busy afternoon planned - spanking at 1, tickle torture at 3, leash-training at 5....

Her 7pm appointment, a regular, asks to be tied to a wall and humiliated. After informing the man that she's got a digital camera and is emailing his wife and kids, the man takes her quite seriously and has a massive heart attack. Yes, she's that good. She watches him twitch for about 5 minutes or so, then calls her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, this dead guy ain't good for business." So the loyal boyfriend, a butcher by trade, cuts the guy up into little pieces Fargo-style. Then I think they eat him. I could be wrong about that. After her arrest, she confesses her crime to police, as well as apologizes to the victim's mother. I think her exact words were, "Sorry, ma'am, I should've left you a piece."

Open and shut case right? Of course not, this is Massachusetts! If the Olde Towne Team can win one after 86 years, who's to say this little powderkeg of 'can-do' can't have a shot? Hell, she already hid all the evidence (well, except for that torture chamber), left no traces of DNA, and got Sam the butcher to do all the dirty work! Besides, this was to be a jury of her peers! Get out those leather whips, this bitch is bringing it to dominate your asses!

...and this brings me to my point. Little did she know just how much her odds were about to improve. Enter The Prosuckutor, Robert Nelson. Nelson proved that truth is sometimes stranger than fiction. From the Boston Globe:

...[b]ut it was Nelson's theatrical closing that provided the most dramatic moments of the trial.

The prosecutor pointed and hollered at Asher. He dumped a box full of hoods, collars, and paddles onto a table, and proclaimed that Asher was trying to protect her business.

"That's why she didn't call the police," he said.

With both hands, he reached back and clutched the top of a blackboard to simulate Lord being strapped to the rack.

He paused as his head hung forward as if to simulate Lord's alleged death.

Page objected, and Norfolk Superior Court Judge Charles Grabau agreed.

"That's enough Mr. Nelson," the judge said. "Thank you for your demonstration."

****************************************

The judge watched as the jury exited the courtroom to deliberate, bare-asses hanging from their chaps. The Prosuckutor sat down in his wooden chair and leaned back, crossing his fingers behind his head. He sighed, expressing a long-awaited moment of relief. He was getting a big promotion for this...noone would ever forget the day Robert Nelson tried the dominatrix...he was...

"Excuse me Mr. Nelson," the judge interrupted. "You can take the mask off now."

****************************************

I love the American legal system. |s|

Things that don't suck: Vader Bush

This seems to be the type of thing one of us would buy. The Stormtrooper helmet, not the t-shirt.

Things that suck: Mike Lowell?

I hope this guy is wrong: http://mikelowellsucks.blogspot.com/

Things that suck: Sellouts

Aaron McGruder recently invoked the wrath of Reverend Al Sharpton over his use of "the n-word" in his syndicated cartoon "The Boondocks" on the Cartoon Network's Adult Swim.

Let's start by stating the obvious here: Al Sharpton is just looking for votes....and Sharpton would only have a valid argument if McGruder were just looking for jokes. He's not. Boondocks is much deeper than that - for starters, the main character is named after Huey Newton. If you don't start with that baseline understanding, you're not going to understand any of the humor (nor the knifing social commentary) - and McGruder is going to just look like an angrier 2006 version of George Jefferson.

If you like Public Enemy, you should like The Boondocks. You don't have to like the lyrics to like the song. To enjoy The Boondocks, you just need to appreciate the point he's making - you don't have to agree with it. Comedy's like that - it's the linguistic science of delivering the unexpected.

Some people have compared The Boondocks with All in the Family. If that's true, there were two distinct audiences of All in the Family - those who got the underlying joke (racism is idiotic), and those that didn't - they just agreed with Archie Bunker. Under that system of logic, Al Sharpton fits into the "not a fan of the show" category. He should just leave it at that.

Al Sharpton is a Don King sellout, preying upon America Idiota for votes. But then again, it's not like pandering doesn't work in politics.

Things that suck: Referees

I hate referees. If there's one thing that's certain in my mind, it's that referees are the worst part of sports.

In the long line of referee follies comes the crew of Frankie Bordeaux, Harrell Allen, and John Hampton. These three idiots called the worst technical foul in the history of athletics last night. Tom Penders, head coach of the University of Houston men's basketball team, collapsed during their game versus UAB because of a heart problem. The referees hit him with a technical foul, thinking that he was "overreacting" to a call that was just made.

Think about that for a second. That's how bad they were doing. They thought Tom Penders fell to the floor in protest of a bad call.

When the crew figured out what happened, that he had a physical ailment, they stopped the game, got him treatment...and let the call stand. UAB hit two free throws, and converted on their next possession, making it a 4-point conversion.

UAB won the game, 82-79. Coincidence?

Things that don't suck: Conan O'Brien

This is the funniest skit I've ever seen on his show. Conan O'Brien goes back to 1864 to play baseball. The entire skit is funny - it goes for about 5 minutes.

Things that still suck: CHB

The curly-haired boyfriend strikes again. Does anyone else see this other than just whining? Note to Dan Shaughnessy: leave this sort of crap-drama to Aaron Spelling. You're a sports reporter, just REPORT ON SPORTS. You are why people don't want to play in Boston. You.

"Unfortunately, there wasn't much honor or glory in Theo's comportment after he left Fenway in that gorilla suit Oct. 31. Rather, he undermined the credibility of the entire Boston front office by straddling the fence regarding his place in the organization. He repeatedly refused offers to return, but would not rule out coming back. He revealed himself to be every bit the cutthroat politician Lucchino is. He's been at best, immature and at worst, duplicitous."

"Like a character from Camelot, Theo remained forever young, forever brilliant, forever the man who brought a championship to Boston. And as long as he operated in the shadows, or allowed us to believe he was still involved, he couldn't lose. This dynamic made Theo less than popular with some of his hard-working friends in baseball operations." -- 1.20.06, Dan Shaughnessy, Boston Globe