Things that suck: It's not a tu--mah. Oh no wait yeah it is.

Swedish scientists have determined a definite link between cellphone radiation and brain tumors. First they said there was a link, then they disclaimed those findings....and now they're back to saying that the link is there, and its definite.

C|Net has compiled a list of cellphones and their accompanying Specific Absorption Rate (SAR) value. You can look up your phone in there, see if you need to start chemo tomorrow.

The easiest way to sidestep this issue is to use a Bluetooth handsfree unit. Of course, once the Swedes get around to testing Bluetooth and its affect on the brain, we'll probably all be dead of Bluetooth radiation poisoning. That's what's happening to the Blue Man Group. Very sad.

I say just go back to using pay phones. The only thing you'll catch off one of those is a bad cold, and unless you're like 90, you can recover from that pretty quickly.

Things that don't suck: Gone, Baby, Gone - the novel

Ben Affleck is scouting out locations in Boston for his directorial debut, a novel by local author Dennis Lehane called Gone, Baby, Gone. This is an incredible book. Please, do yourself a favor and read it before seeing the movie. It's one story from a 5-part series of books featuring two private investigators from Dorchester. Read them all. They are as follows, in order:

1. A Drink Before the War
2. Darkness, Take My Hand
3. Sacred
4. Gone, Baby, Gone
5. Prayers for Rain
   

These novels burn hotter and hotter as you go along - Lehane really hits his stride with Darkness, Take My Hand, but you need to read A Drink Before the War to really appreciate the inside dark humor. All of these novels, such as the case with any great novel, focus on character development first. Once you're hooked, you're in for a real thrill ride.

Lehane is the best crime author in the world right now. He penned Mystic River, the story that Clint Eastwood ruined by making it into a movie. If you liked Eastwood's Mystic River, you'll be stunned at how much better the book is. It's unrelated to this particular crime series, but it's one of the most complete psychological thrillers I've ever read. The ending is much, much more shocking (think, the ending of the movie Se7en).

Anyway, you can thank me later, once you've completed your summer reading.

Things that suck: Sharon Stone (literally)

There seems to be a disconnect in Sharon Stone's reality. First she visits Israel "on a mission to support peace and help children." Then, in the same interview cuts off a reporter who begins to ask about Basic Instinct 2, saying, "I'm naked (in the movie); usually that's what people really want to know, so we can move on to the next question."

So, why not add the final piece to the Sharon Stone loves children triumverate. This really makes it all seem complete now, doesn't it:

Actress SHARON STONE is adamant teenagers should be prepared to engage in oral sex, if it saves from them the dangers of unprotected penetrative sex. The BASIC INSTINCT spends much of her time away from Hollywood working as an activist raising AIDS awareness, and she always carries condoms with her to hand out in a bid to increase safe sex levels.

She explains, "I was in the store the other day and I watched a young girl trying on clothes, showing her abdomen. "Her mother was trying to talk to her about not being inappropriately luring. I said, 'Gee that would look much nicer with a camisole under.' "Her mother walked away, and I said to the girl, 'I'd like to give you a two-minute conversation about sex.' "Young people talk to me about what to do if they're being pressed for sex? I tell them (what I believe): oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. "If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I'm not embarrassed to tell them."

Things that don't suck: Mark Sweeney

Mark Sweeney's presence in the SF Giants lineup this year will keep them in the hunt for the NL West title. If you don't believe me, you can ask ESPN Baseball analyst Jayson Stark - he thinks so, too. From the San Francisco Gate:

...The Angels picked him in the ninth round of the 1991 draft. The Dodgers actually drafted him the year before, but he returned for his senior season at the University of Maine, where he batted .384 and completed a business degree.

He was a year behind J.T. Snow in the Angels' system and admired the way Snow handled being yo-yoed between the big club and Triple-A. In 1995, Sweeney was dealt to St. Louis, where he made his big-league debut, and he has been a classic journeyman since, with stops in San Diego, Cincinnati, Milwaukee, San Diego again, Colorado and San Diego for a third time.

Yes, he often is confused with Kansas City Royals first baseman Mike Sweeney and said, "I first met him in a spring training game. He was catching with the Royals. I stepped up to the plate and I said, 'Nice to meet you, and I'm tired of getting your mail.' He started laughing."

The Giants plucked Mark Sweeney off the free-agent market in December, signing him to a two-year, $1.8 million contract that ESPN baseball analyst Jayson Stark called one of the three best signings for under $2 million this offseason.

"Thank God I didn't see that," Sweeney joked. "That's really meaningless to me. I just want to come in here and help in my own way for a lot of different reasons. Obviously, my job is to come off the bench later in the games to make us a better ballclub. With guys like (Jose) Vizcaino here and some of the guys we have off the bench, that's going to be one of our strengths."

Things that don't suck: 41-hour sociology experiments

This kid spent his spring break at Wal-Mart. Unlike the stores around here, the Wal-Marts in the midwest are superstores - they have pharmacies, grocery/produce, restaurants, hair salons....you name it. He spent 41 straight hours in one, going undetected. Just blended in with the surroundings. Didn't steal anything, just paid as he went.

Now, the reason I say that this does not suck is simple: this kid, if he's smart, will milk this into a cool million. Write a book, do some TV interviews. Yes, it sucks, he didn't go on Spring Break, but hey - he's only a sophomore, and he can always go next year. And by this time next year, he'll be able to buy a 27' Laveycraft to take out on Lake Havasu.

Things that suck: Getting caught

Things that suck: Forgetting to take your happy pills in the morning

I think Eric Wilbur forgot to take his Zoloft this morning. He wrote a real Debbie Downer article in today's Globe. Here's how he ends it:

Wily Mo Pena is indeed a long-term project. But he’s also one that is going to be so maddeningly frustrating to watch develop that Red Sox Nation is likely going to label him a bust long before he gets the chance to achieve any level of greatness.

Key the music - "Wah-wah-waaaaaaaaah..."

Things that suck: Having a mistaken identity

Funny quote by my favorite all-time Red Sox, David Ortiz - from the Globe:

He did come home with one tale to tell. At the team hotel in San Diego, he answered a knock at his door to find Fidel Castro's son, the Cuban team's physician.

''I was nervous," Ortiz said with a laugh. ''He told me, 'Whenever you come to Cuba, I'll take care of you.' [I thought], 'OK, they might confuse me as a Cuban and keep me there.' He came with my agent to say hi and take pictures. I gave a whole bunch of shoes to them."

Things that suck: Having to work through your lunch break

Reuters is reporting that the NCAA Tournament site in San Diego has been evacuated. A bomb-sniffing dog stopped after finding a potential hit.

In a hot dog cart.

Imagine that, a dog not concentrating on his job while standing next to a hot dog cart filled with piping-hot hot dogs & sausages...

Things that don't suck: The Final Four

Here is some bracket-busting information, care of ESPN research:

Team Facts
(all-time NCAA Tournament record in parentheses)

Florida (17-12)

• 8th straight appearance, all under Billy Donovan; before Donovan arrived, UF had been to the NCAA Tournament just 5 times in school history.
• Since reaching the title game in 2000, Florida has failed to get past the 2nd round every year since, and has lost to a lower seeded opponent in doing so. And remember that they nearly went down in the 1st round in 2000 as well, if not for Mike Miller’s OT buzzer-beater vs. Butler.
  

George Mason (0-3)

• Patriots seek 1st victory after coming up just short of an upset of No. 3 seed Maryland in their last appearance in 2001 (83-80).

LSU (19-21)

• The Tigers have been disappointing in the last two trips under John Brady
• As a No. 6 seed last year, they lost to UAB by 14
• As a No. 8 seed in 2003, they lost to Purdue by 24
• LSU did reach the Sweet 16 in its first Tourney appearance under Brady in 2000, but not before getting a big-time scare from No. 13 seed SE Missouri in the 1st round (64-61).
  

UCLA (85-32)

• Seeking 1st win since 2002, when the Bruins advanced to the Sweet 16.
• Ben Howland led Pittsburgh to the Sweet 16 in both trips he made with them in 2002 and 2003.
• This year was the earliest UCLA has reached the 20-win mark since the National Championship season of 1994-95
  

Things that don't suck: Soothsaying

Looking at ESPN this morning, I can't help but get excited. Look who's wearing a Boston Red Sox cap:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story
?page=mrbracket/gonzaga/men

Could this mean we're looking at a future Celtic? Methinks yea. #17, here we come.

Things that don't suck: iPope

I firmly believe that everyone should join the revolution. I hope they don't find any illegal downloads on the Pope's iPod. That would make for a messy legal battle, and the Vatican would have to get Silas to kick some more ass.

Is there any doubt in anyone's mind that his holiness has the most boring song list of all time?

From C|Net:

On Friday, when Pope Benedict XVI paid his first visit to Vatican Radio, he was awarded with a pleasant little surprise: a shiny new iPod. Apparently, the gift, which was of the white, 2GB Nano variety, left quite an impression on His Holiness, who is said to have replied, "Computer technology is the future." The MP3 player was preloaded with a selection of the radio's programming, along with several classical music compositions by the likes of Beethoven, Mozart, and Chopin. The station's technical staff, who chose the gift, also opted to have the back engraved with the words "To His Holiness, Benedict XVI" in Italian.

Things that suck: Forgetting that good stats don't make good people

Kirby Puckett died last night, at the age of 45. He had a massive stroke, because he was nauseatingly fat. The Hall of Famer had a cadre of ass-kissers that followed him during his career; lest we forget, he was a horrible person away from the game.

From the SI expose on Kirby Puckett, written by Frank DeFord in 2003:

"Puckett’s ex-wife, Tonya, divorced him in December, barely a year after she told police that he threatened to kill her during a telephone conversation. Over the years, she told SI, Puckett had also tried to strangle her with an electrical cord, locked her in the basement and used a power saw to cut through a door after she had locked herself in a room. Once, she said, he even put a cocked gun to her head while she was holding their young daughter."

Things that suck: Biting the hand that...robs the cradle

You know you're a complete loser when...

You write a book about your life in which you say your brother likes to fondle children, and that his kids are the result of an anonymous sperm donor. Then you realize that you live in a house that he owns, and have second thoughts. You think to yourself, "Hey, maybe he'll have a problem with me saying this." But you're too late. He throws a hissy-fit, threatening publicly to kick your ass.

And if that isn't bad enough...your brother is Michael Jackson.

That's right, your child-molesting, 90-pound, melted cheese-faced younger brother scares you. You decide to opt out of writing a book that noone would ever read anyway because you are afraid of losing everything...which isn't much because you were an uninteresting loser to begin with.

Things that suck: Douchebags

David Wells is a jerk. He's also a bad father, as evidenced by this recent exchange, as documented in the Boston Globe. Chris Snow kisses more ass in this article than an E! Oscar correspondent. The fact that he titled his article A Nice Changeup is disgraceful. It should be called "A Big Fat Ignorant Overpaid Douchebag Figures Out Nobody Wants Him."

And yes, that's Darryl Strawberry carrying Wells' left leg in this photo. For the record, I'd rather see him on the Sox roster than Wells.

As Wells finished up with the media his son, Lars, soon to be 7 and named after Metallica's drummer, was being chased around the clubhouse by Beckett, who was in full uniform.

''Just hit him with it," Wells said, referring to the bat in the kid's hands.

''He already did," Beckett said.

This came a few minutes after Lars Wells had picked up some chewing tobacco.

''Take a dip," Wells said, challenging his son.

The kid began to smile and walked away, stunned and not sure what to do.

Wells, turning back to the group, said, ''He'll puke his brains out."

Things that don't suck: Over the shoulder boulder holders

Shock Absorber is a company that creates sports bras in the UK. They've created a great site that illustrates the science behind sports bra technology. Select your desired cup size, then choose an activity level, from Light to Extreme. The app renders your selection in three forms, nude, normal bra, and Shock Absorber bra, and you watch an animation of the model jogging at a speed somehow related to the activity level.

Brilliant.

Things that don't suck: Bringing in the ringer

If you haven't seen this yet, you're in for a real treat. CBS ran this story a few weeks ago. Jason McElwing, a teenager with autism from Rochester, NY, worked as the team manager of his high school basketball team. During the last game of the season, his coach thought it would be nice if he gave him some real exposure to a game. What he did was create a memory that no one will ever forget. This is the stuff of legend.

Things that don't suck: Great escapes

There is much talk surrounding the World Baseball Classic, and most of it centers around politics, as opposed to the competition itself. I could care less about the tournament, like most people. I'm more interested in seeing if more Cuban players defect. There was a good piece on Jose Contreras on Outside the Lines today - this guy gave up everything to come to play in the U.S., and now doesn't even want to live here.

Things that suck: Being clueless

He's got to be kidding. What's his excuse the rest of the time?

From CBS4's website:

Ramirez also confirmed that he won't be joining the Dominican Republic's team for the World Baseball Classic on Thursday, and instead spend the month playing with Boston.

"I'm not ready, so I'm not going to go out there and make a fool of myself," he said.