Friday, December 30, 2005

Things that suck: CHB

Instead of writing a year-end review, as other columnists do this time of year, Dan Shaughnessy decided to forget about the past, and focus on the future. In "He's Making Headlines," (Boston Globe, December 30th) Shaughnessy invents the news of 2006. Poorly, as usual.

I can't blame him. I'd want to forget 2005 if I were Dan Shaughnessy as well. It was a year in which he was called every name in the book for his involvement in the doomed Theo Epstein contract dispute. The Curly-Haired Boyfriend (CHB) expounded (excuse me, grossly exagerrated) the so-called "sour" relationship between Epstein and Larry Lucchino, which may have contributed to the Red Sox current predicament: no GM (sorry GM by committee), no center fielder nor shortstop, and a cloudy future.

Today, he let his imagination run wild in yet another CHB dreamscape. Which shouldn't shock anybody - he's been doing it all year long.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Things that suck: This little bastard

Ungrateful little bastard. I guess he's not CIA material...and now we know who Mommy & Daddy's favorite is! Here's a hint: not you!

HOUSTON (Reuters) - The Washington couple at the heart of the CIA leak investigation had their cover blown by their small son as they tried to sneak away on vacation on Thursday.

"My daddy's famous, my mommy's a secret spy," declared the 5-year-old of his parents, former diplomat Joe Wilson and retired CIA operative Valerie Plame.

The former spy, who just retired from the agency, and the diplomat have been at the center of a CIA leak scandal that has reached into the White House.

They said they were headed to an undisclosed vacation location with their twins but stopped for a brief interview inside the airport terminal.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Things that still suck: European Soccer (and Facism)

As a follow-up to my previous post, the following article was posted re: hockey officials barring a player for life for repeatedly using racial slurs during a game:

Score it: European Hockey 1, European Soccer 0.

Things that don't suck: Dunkin Donuts

An article in today's Boston Globe details the finishing touches on Krispy Kreme's New England demise. This come on the heels of another announcement, that Michael Vale, the actor who played sleepy-eyed Dunkin Donuts employee Fred the baker for for 15 years, had passed away at the age of 83. Time to make the...funeral arrangements.

I couldn't be happier to see Krispy Kreme Kompany run home, tail between its legs. I said it when they opened their doors in Medford, and I say it now - nobody wants your crappy donuts, KKK! You don't get it (because "y'alls" are dumb southerners) - if donuts were a good draw up north, there would be a bigger market for pastry stores! I can't remember the last time I went into a DD and ordered a donut. Besides, you've only got one good donut, and it's only good if its warm, which happens 25% of the time.

A friend of mine went into a Dunkin Donuts in Florida not too long ago, asked for an ice coffee, and had the following exchange with the employee behind the counter:
Sales clerk: Ohh. You must be from the north.
Friend: Yeah - why?
Sales clerk: Because you like your tea hot and your coffee cold.
I love Dunkin Donuts. It's a New England champion, no matter who the new owners are. I love having Dunkin Donuts on every other street corner here in Massachusetts; I love the fact that you can walk in, ask for a regular - and they know what you're talking about. Even in the South.

Celebrate Fred's life, and KKK's death, by picking up a coffee at DD today. You can feel good about the product you're drinking - DD only sells fair trade coffee, which protects the rights of people, the environment, and stimulates the global economy. And, no matter what anyone says, it's less expensive, and tastier, than Starbucks. Although, sometimes, they really screw up the french vanilla by not cleaning out the filters and it ends up tasting like shit. But who cares, they're one of us. Suck it up.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Things that suck: Songs with nonsensical lyrics

With 2006 fast approaching, I decided to dig up some information on the song "Auld Ang Syne" a song that I attempt to sing every year along with everyone else, that quickly deteriorates into "...for all acquiantance be forgot, and ahhh da dahh ang syne..."

I figured - hey, I took the time to figure out the lyrics to Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" - what's keeping me from finding out the lyrics to this song? Here's what I found, after Google informed me that I meant "Auld Lang Syne":

Auld Lang Syne

The song, "Auld Lang Syne," is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English- speaking country in the world to bring in the New Year. In spite of the popularity of 'Auld Lang Syne', it has aptly been described as the song that nobody knows. Even in Scotland, hardly a gathering sings it correctly, without some members of the party butchering the words.

Written by Robert Burns in 1741, it was first published in 1796 after Burns' death. "Auld Lang Syne" literally means "old long ago," or simply, "the good old days."

Auld Lang Syne by Robert Burns

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne

We twa hae run aboot the braes
And pou'd the gowans fine;
we've wander'd mony a weary foot
Sin' auld lang syne

We two hae paidled i' the burn,
Frae mornin' sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin' auld lang syne

And here's a hand, my trusty friend,
And gie's a hand o' thine;
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne
Seriously - did the songwriter write this as he was getting shitfaced? My favorite line is "We twa hae run aboot the braes" - it looks like something speech recognition software would come up with if it were listening to Marlee Matlin.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Things that don't suck: The Chronic-what?!-cles of Narnia

Chris Parnell and new SNL castmember Andy Samberg make an incredibly entertaining rap duo. Here's their first effort - called "Lazy Sunday"'s all about the Hamiltons, baby.

Things that suck: Jews for Jesus (

Jews for Jesus, an evangelical group, is suing Google over the rights to the domain name I hereby implore our legal experts (Prizbone and Bomber) to give us their takes on the matter. Here's some background fodder:

Google owns the domain name "" - you can see this by conducting a simple WHOIS search. Google owns the hosting equipment as well, and, if you're unaware of the interworkings of a web server, the prefix "www" is actually just a folder that resides on the server. So, whenever we create a new blog on the blogspot server, it's essentially just creating a new folder. These folders can be named anything (hence,

Ed/Jeremy: does "Jews for Jesus" have any legal footing? Will McDonalds come after Google next for the rights to Will Josh come after Google for

Besides, if the whole point of their group is to convert Jews into Christians, shouldn't they be named "Jews to Jesus"? Jews for Jesus sounds like they're rooting for him or something.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Things that suck: Hwang Woo Suk and the Suktones

Okay, I hate to bump Fred Armisen (my favorite comedian) today, but this is just too good to pass up.

The photos to the right is pictured on the front page of today, and link to a story called, "Photos Cast New Doubt on Cloning". The article calls into question the paper submitted in 2004 by a South Korean team who claims to have been the first team to clone human cells.

In the article, Gareth Cook claims to have "showed the photos to four stem cell experts, and all said they appeared to be identical, down to the smallest detail."

Umm...isn't that the point? They're friggin CLONES! Besides, aren't they really questioning whether or not the photos were cloned? If that's the case, what the hell do stem cell experts know about that? Do they moonlight at Ritz Camera on the weekends?

Of course, this was also said:

...Hwang Woo Suk, leader of the Korean cloning team, said that he intended to retract a 2005 Science paper in which he claimed to have improved his cloning method, after concerns were raised about that paper. The duplicate photos in the 2004 article now call into question his original claim. Hwang is the only scientist to claim to have cloned human stem cells; if his 2004 paper is discredited, it would mean that the daunting hurdles to human cloning, which Hwang had claimed to overcome, remain.

It is my belief, if this is indeed true, that Hwang Woo Suk sucks. Although, I'm willing to bet that the man they're interviewing, who seems to have no answers, is a clone himself. See The Island for more details.

Hwang could not be reached by e-mail last night.

This article just keeps getting better and better.

The photos appear to be copied, ''and that calls the entire paper into question," said Dr. Robert Lanza, a scientist at Advanced Cell Technology, a Worcester-based biotech that has worked on cloning human cells, and is a competitor of Hwang's. ''There seems to be a pattern here."
By saying "There seems to be a pattern here," aren't you in fact contradicting yourself, Doc? Isn't that the point of a clone!

More Daily Show fodder:

"By yesterday, all three of Hwang's seminal papers -- two on cloning human cells, and one on cloning a dog -- were under investigation."

Please tell me that nobody is surprised to find out that a Korean cloned a dog first. And I'm guessing that it was right around dinnertime.

More Lanza sounding more like Tony Danza:

Lanza raised questions about two other papers published by members of Hwang's team. In one paper...the results of a test done on two different groups of cells is presented...[t]he test generates dark blobs, but two of these blobs seem to look precisely the same, except flipped.
Is that same as saying "they're the same...except, different."

The senior author of this paper could not be reached by e-mail last night.
Go figure. Dare I say...CLONE?

However, Lanza said, scientists could verify whether the dog was actually cloned with a simple genetic test that looks at the mitochondrial DNA, a small amount of DNA outside the nucleus of every cell. If the dog is truly a clone, then it should have different mitochondrial DNA from the other dog.

I'm guessing the dog and dog clones are already "expired". And by "expired", I mean, "yummy".

Things that don't suck: Fred Armisen

Fred Armisen is the reincarnation of Andy Kaufman. No wait...he's better. Formerly of the Blue Man Group, Fred is a regular castmember on Saturday Night Live. Fred does whatever the hell he wants, whenever the hell he wants. Lorne Michaels just gets out of the way. Here he is doing his version of standup.

Seriously, if you don't know who Fred Armisen is by now, learn.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Things that suck: Santarchy!

Or does it? For weeks, the media has covered, ad nauseum, Mayor Menino's "holiday tree" gaffe. was funny to hear the Canadian logger (the tree donor) say that he would have thrown the tree into a wood chipper if he had known it would be called a "holiday tree, ey." Good times.

Christmas is supposed to be about the spirit of giving. Personally, I don't give a shit what I get for Christmas. I'm rewarded by others being happy as a product of my gifts to them. Although, this Christmas, I asked for Sirius Satellite Radio, and if I don't get it, I'm going to burn down my house. |s|

I completely understand where theses people are coming from, but...imagine the poor bastard dressed up as Santa collecting for the Salvation Army, getting pinched for Santarchy...or even worse, getting punched in the face by Santa himself? That would suck!

WELLINGTON (Reuters) - Forty drunken Santas rampaged through central Auckland, stealing from stores and assaulting security guards, the New Zealand Herald reported on Sunday, in a protest against the commercialization of Christmas.

Police said some of the Santas threw beer bottles, one tried to climb the mooring rope of a cruise ship and a security guard was punched during the fracas.

"They came in, said 'Merry Christmas' and then helped themselves," convenience store staff member Changa Manakynda told the Herald, which reported the Santas also attacked a Christmas tree.

The event organizer, Alex Dyer, had warned the antics would only stop when someone was arrested, said the Herald, which linked the incident to "Santarchy."

Santarchy ( and online encyclopedia wikipedia ( record protests going back around 10 years in the United States, with participants marking Christmas in anti-commercial manner involving street theater, pranks and public drunkenness.

Police said identification was a key issue as they tried to sort out which of the 40 men and women had done what.

"With a number of people dressed in the same outfit, it was difficult for any witnesses to confirm the identity of who was doing what," Senior Sergeant Matt Rogers told Reuters.

Of course, they could have just hid in this psycho's house.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Things that suck: Robert Novak

In "no shit, really?" news today, Robert Novak has decided to end his illustrious career at CNN, choosing instead to hide behind his friends at Fox News Channel.

Robert Novak sucks. And I'll tell you why. Let's see if I can sum this up - correct me if I'm wrong (not that anyone reads this rubbish anyway)...

1. Joe Wilson investigates White House assertions that Iraq had smuggled/tried to smuggle uranium from northern Africa. White House uses these claims as a basis to go to war with Iraq. Wilson, of course, finds nothing. That's because the intelligence gathered was from forged documents (yellowcake forgeries). Go figure!

2. Mr Wilson writes an op-ed piece for the New York Times entitled, "What I Didn't Find in Iraq" - and later that same week, the White House retaliates by springing a leak. 6 times. They offer up the name of Mr. Wilson's wife, Valerie Plame, a former CIA agent working on WMD cases, to at least 6 Washington journalists.

3. Robert Novak ends up being the only one to use Mrs. Wilson's name in an article. Because he is a complete douchebag. Why do I say this? First, take a good look at him. Yep, douchebag. Second, check out these quotes, both from Novak:

"Nobody in the Bush administration called me to leak this," Novak said on "Crossfire." "There is no great crime here."
and then a couple weeks later...whoops, "My BAD!"...

"They asked me not to use her name, but never indicated it would endanger her or anybody else. According to a confidential source at the CIA, Mrs. Wilson was an analyst, not a spy, not a covert operative and not in charge of undercover operators," Novak said.

Novak would later say that he was working on a column when a White House senior administration official told him the CIA asked Wilson to go to Niger in early 2002 at the suggestion of his wife, whom the source described as "a CIA employee working on weapons of mass destruction."

Then another senior administration official gave him the same information, Novak said, and the CIA confirmed her involvement in her husband's mission.

In his column, Novak attributed the information about Plame's involvement in Wilson's trip to Africa to two unnamed senior administration officials.

Novak said that he will not reveal the names of his sources. But does admit that he's a spineless douchbag. Think about it - they leak the information out to 6 journalists, thinking, "One of them has to be stupid enough to publish this." And guess who does? The walking sarcophagus windbag from Crossfire!

On top of that - he hid from Jon Stewart - he was supposed to be on the Crossfire set the day Stewart had his famous run-in with Tucker Carlson. So he's a pussy as well!


Friday, December 16, 2005

Things that suck: Creepy, nosy neighbors

So, I came home from work the other night, to find the following note scrawled on a tiny piece of ripped paper stuck to my mailbox:
I can see you on your back porch. I live behind you. It is about to collapse, and you are in great danger.

Now, while I appreciate the sentiment, it's also really creepy. In a Hardy Boys sort of way. You think Sue could have just said,
Hey there, I live in the building behind yours, and the other day noticed that your back porch is sloping downwards on one side - might want to have someone take a look at it, as it looks like it could collapse.

Sue Gallagher
But nooo...not in my life. I've got to be the one with the freaks living next door to me. The baby's nursery is also on that side of the house - I imagine I'm going to receive a note from Sue some random day that says,
Your baby has diaper rash because you are a bad parent. You must wipe in the opposite direction to prevent this. I am watching you.

Of course, the porch is being replaced, due to her efforts. We never use it, so it doesn't really matter to us anyway. But maybe we should invite her over some night to give us some more creepy pointers. Like:
If you do not add more breadcrumbs, your meatloaf will always fall apart. Your friends hate your meatloaf because of this. I am listening.

After you shower, you never close the shower curtain. Shower curtains trap mold. I am here.

On second thought, maybe we should just pull the shades.

Things that don't suck: Howard Stern

F Jackie! F Stuttering John!

Howard Stern ends his reign as King of All Media on terrestrial radio today, and I, for one, am happy. I have developed a hatred for Boston-area radio stations over the past 5 years. Too many DJs thinking they're funnier than they are, too many Bob's Discount Furniture commercials, too many stupid callers. I'll listen to WEEI on occassion, but I'm really not that interested in hearing what Bob from Gloucester has to say about...anything.

I just bought a Sirius Starmate Replay, and I couldn't be more excited. Finally, no more commercials...just the straight shit. I could be in for a huge letdown, but even if Howard's new show sucks (which I doubt it will) - I still have 100s of other channels to choose from, and as we all know, content is King. So, paying $12/month really isn't all that much, when you think of the alternative: 5 or 6 radio stations, playing "another commercial-free set of non-stop rock" that gets interrupted by commercials telling you you're in the middle of... you get the picture.

Howard belongs on satellite - let's just hope the government doesn't move to censor pay services. Or else Sirius is going to have to introduce commercials to pay for the legal fees.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Things that suck: Rattling Kong's cage

Anyone remember the 1993 John Goodman vehicle "Matinee"? Bad movie, good concept - small-time movie promoter tries using props & special effects within the movie theater during a showing to create a sense of fear...

Now try going to the biggest movie premiere of the decade, one which features gargantuan fight scenes between giant creatures...and then the walls start shaking...part of the show? Nah...just an earthquake measuring 4.5 on the Richter scale...
King Kong gets extra-special effects as quake rattles screening

Movie director Peter Jackson is the king of special effects but even he was outdone when the audience was shaken and stirred by an earthquake during a preview screening of his new blockbuster "King Kong". The quake measuring 4.5 on the Richter scale hit Wellington about an hour into the film and at first it was difficult to tell what was happening.

The theatre was already filled with the sound of the roaring of the sea and scraping metal as onscreen a ship belonging to the eventual capturers of King Kong was smashed against the rocks of the sinister Skull Island.

However it soon became clear that the technical wizardry of the maker of "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy did not extend to shaking the seats and walls.

But the show must go on. The tremors stopped after a few seconds and after some nervous laughter, the audience stayed planted in their seats as the three-hour screening continued uninterrupted.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Things that don't suck: Tailgating

So, I went to my first NFL football game last Sunday - Patriots vs. Jets. I'm a Jets fan. The Jets suck. Maybe I suck. But tailgating was the main reason I went, and man, it did not suck. It was awesome. I do have to say, though - unless you've got your own killer setup, tailgating entirely depends on the parking spot you get.

Example #1: Our first stop. Sucked.
We stopped to see some friends of my brother in-law, and I didn't really know anybody there, so it was just me and my friend Beer for awhile, so it didn't suck too bad. Comparatively, though, it sucked. We were lined up next to a Ford Taurus, and the two guys from there had this fire pit thing going, and were dropping treated wood into it. I walked away smelling like smoky shit. But at least I was warm.

Example 2: Our second stop. Awesome.
We stopped to see my cousin, and she was parked next to a Cadillac Escalade that had a 10-burner grill, as well as a generator that had satellite TV, an HDTV, and a space heater that carved out a grassy area about 20 feet wide. I grilled up some steak tips that were marinated in wasabi teriyaki sauce overnight, and spent some more quality time with my good friend Beer.

The game itself sucked, until Gisele Bunchen came out. Holy crap, she's smokin. That alone made me want to go back. Although, I'm not too keen on the whole Patriots-cheerleaders-in- sweatsuits thing. That was lame. There's no point to cheerleaders if they're not half-naked. It's not like we respect them as athletes.

All in all, a great, exhausting day.

Things that suck: European soccer (and Facism)

So, this is very typical of European soccer clubs: fans from certain teams root for them based on political/social beliefs...take, for instance, this asshole from the soccer club Lazio, from Italy. Yep, that's him giving the ol' heil Hitler facist salute. And they FINE him for it. They don't even throw him out of the league!

Say whatever you want about the state of professional sports in the US - at least we don't tolerate this type of hatred.

From the article: The game featured teams whose fans have opposing political allegiances: Lazio fans waved swastika flags while Livorno fans had red Communist flags. Clashes between Livorno fans and police were reported outside the stadium before the game, with one officer slightly injured.

Oh, and while we're at it - any game that allows a 0-0 tie sucks! So screw soccer as a whole!

Friday, December 02, 2005

Things that don't suck: My buddy Ace

This buddy of mine from college has been nicknamed "Ace" since high school. That sucks. He's had a mustache since he was 12. That sucks. His sense of humor? That doesn't suck. He just sent me the following email. Note: the email itself sucks. His note, and what he picked out of the list doesn't suck.


Pat - If you don’t read the whole thing, at least scroll to #7.

50 reasons why it's good to be a man

50. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
49. You know stuff about tanks.
48. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
47. You can open all your own jars.
46. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
44. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
43. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
42. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
41. You can kill your own food.
40. The garage is all yours.
39. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
38. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
37. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
36. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
35. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
34. You can be President.
33. Flowers fix everything.
32. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
31. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
30. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
29. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
28. The world is your urinal.
27. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
24. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
23. One mood, all the time.
22. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
21. Same work....more pay.
20. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
19. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
18. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
17. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
16. The remote is yours and yours alone.
15. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
14. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
13. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
12. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
11. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
10. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
9. There is always a game on somewhere.
8. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
7. You think the idea of punting a small cat is funny.
6. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
5. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
4. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
3. Baywatch
2. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
1. All your orgasms are real.

Things that suck: Having tickets to the Hawks-Raptors game tonight

Can you imagine? Someone actually paid $150 for floor seats to this game...the two teams have a combined winning percentage of .100! This game sucks.

Things that suck: My new name, Mandar Noah Patterson

I went to another mind-numbingly useless website called "" awhile back, after my wife went out and dropped $20 on Amazon for a baby-names book. I was trying to make a point that she should be saving money, not spending it on useless crap. Seriously, we agreed upon "Charlie" - did we really require a book to tell us that?! At one point, I told her that we'd pick out a name at random, so she flipped the pages, and I let my finger drop on a name. It was "Bark". Baby name books suck.

Anyway, I went to this site called, and used the "random Renamer" which uses names that they feature within their website. I am now named Mandar Noah Patterson, which is Hindi for "tree of heaven". Hey at least it didn't cost me $20.

Here's that stupid website:

Things that suck: Mr. Six

I hate the Six Flags mascot, "Mr. Six" - I am so happy he is finally "Mr. Six Feet Under". He made my skin crawl, and looked like Uncle Junior on cocaine (pictured, right). I change the channel whenever he's on, even when I'm not watching TV. I hate that song they play, too - wasn't that on ESPN's Jock Jams? This ad campaign sucks, plain and simple.

This is what happens when you hire morons to manage a 100 million dollar advertising campaign. The agency of record is Doner Advertising. me crazy, but if I were about to spend that amount of cash on advertising, at the very least I'd want to be able to FIND THEIR WEBSITE. Try searching for Doner's website on Google...
Oh yeah, they're fantastic.

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