Thursday, December 28, 2006

Things that suck: Being a total moron

Have you seen the Herald today?! This photo was on the front page - that's no lightsaber.

This moron paid $360k to build a house in North Attleboro. If that wasn't bad enough, he built it so close to power lines that light bulbs light up without being plugged in!

Dude, you should've just moved to a nice plot of land in either Rhode Island or New Hampshire! Enjoy your lowered sperm count and higher cost of living!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Things that suck: Being thrown out on your Hynie

RIP, Godfather of Soul. This story seems pretty ridiculous - James Brown seems to be getting in a posthumous "eff you" after having his lawyer drop the hammer on his wife (Tomi Rae Hynie) by locking her out of his estate on Christmas...although all is not as it seems. No wait, it does - because she seems like a gold-digger who married an old geezer for his money.

"This is my home," Hynie told a reporter outside the house. "I don't have any money. I don't have anywhere to go." mean, other than your house a few blocks away? Finally, a gold digger gets what is coming to her! Now, I know James Brown was an a-hole to women, but gold diggers like this are just as bad. The guy was in the hospital for days, and she didn't even come to visit...the next thing you know she's trying to get into his estate the day he died - on Christmas!

Ho ho ho, HO.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Things that suck: Losing a legend

Peter Boyle died today, he was 71 years young. He was my favorite comedic actor, of all time. When he played the monster in Mel Brooks' Young Frankenstein, he had me hooked. When it was announced that he was to play Ray Barrone's father in Everybody Loves Raymond, I was ecstatic. He was lightning in a bottle.

I'm glad that they ended Raymond when they did; he was apparently in failing health, and that was part of the reason for the series ending after 10 years.

Peter Boyle was the greatest - and he leaves behind some irreplaceable work. RIP.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Things that suck: Being a Jets fan

So, I'm in my glory today, around 3:30pm - the Dolphins are beating the shit out of the Patsies, my Jets are coming up at 4:15pm versus the Bills - playoff chances on the line, if they win, they're only a game out of first...and then it happens.

Actually, "it" happened the day I became a Jets fan. For some reason, I'm always optimistic, like this is some stupid effing prank some is playing on me - it's not like the Red Sox, there's no fate involved, there's no losing with any purpose. Okay guys, I get it, joke's on me! You can come out now!

Final score: Bills 31 - Jets 13. The Jets knew the ramifications...and still lost to JP Losman. At home.

I root for the biggest losers on the planet. Our pride and joy, Joe Namath, a ballsy QB with so much swagger in his day that he scored chicks while in a mink coat gets on ESPN, shitfaced, and professes his beergoggled love for Suzy Kolber during an interview. Joe, just to remind you, this is Suzy Kolber:

...and yes, you are the king of our kingdom. A kingdom of losers.

But I can't drop them. It seems like every year, they have that game in which they've once again instilled a shred of dignity, which gets confused by the fan base as's reminiscent of my beloved Hartford Whalers. But at least the Whalers had their own theme song (Brass Bononza), that played after every goal. The Jets don't even play in their own stadium.

Hey, wait a minute - we do have something unique: we have Fireman Ed! Wait til next year!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Things that suck: the NBA Eastern Conference

W L %
Boston5 8 .385
New Jersey 5 8 .385
Philadelphia 5 8 .385
New York 5 10 .333
Toronto 4 9 .308

Look at these pathetic records. Seriously, if the Celtics send me a newsletter touting their current "forst" (as in, worst + first) place standing in the Eastern Conference, I'm not going to go to a single game this year. Oh wait a second, I wasn't going to, anyway.

Bring back the parquet floor. Bring back seats that gave you lines in your hips from digging into you for 4 quarters. Get rid of those stupid dancers. Why couldn't they have done a Camden Yards-type redesign, keeping the old school style in fashion?

This team is fun to watch - in spurts. They need two more pieces - a dominant center (please trade Paul Pierce for a #1 pick, and land us Greg Oden, Danny), and a coach who knows how to execute a run & fun offense, like the Phoenix teams of the early 90s.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Things that suck: Robert Gariedy of Haverhill

Kerry Healey for the White House!” proclaimed Robert Gariedy of Haverhill as he pumped his fist in the air. “She’ll make a great president one day. Stop Hillary (Clinton) in ’08!”

Congratulations, Deval Patrick! You stomped that loser!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Things that don't suck: 1/20/2009

I can't wait until this idiot is not our president any longer. Dubya signed a bill today that will essentially allow him to oversee the construction of a fence along the border. Some facts about this bold new project:

  • It's a 700 mile fence, on a 2100 mile border.
  • The "down payment" is $1.2 billion.
  • The president of the National Border Patrol Council, a union representing Border Patrol agents, said "A fence will slow people down by a minute or two, but if you don't have the agents to stop them it does no good. We're not talking about some impenetrable barrier."

So, we're building a chainlink fence that covers about 1/3 of the border, that for some ridiculous reason costs billions of dollars.

The only illegal immigrants we should concern ourselves with are militant Islamic terrorists in sleeper cells. How did we let this happen? Why is he our president?!

Things that suck: Being out of order

Who is really out of order here?

"I am Christopher Worthington," the man said. "I am the father of the victim."

"You have no right to speak out during this trial," Nickerson said. "You have no right as a question is being asked to say 'objection.'"

"If you repeated that conduct sir you will be forfeiting your right to attend this trial."

"I'm sorry your honor," Christopher Worthington said.

"So I am," the judge responded.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Things that don't suck: Dexter

One good thing about RCN is that I'm able to exploit a hole in their HDTV system - I'm getting Showtime for free on HD channel 176. This means that I'm able to watch Dexter - a show so perfectly executed, so brilliantly acted, that even though I DVR, I can't miss the first run of the show - ever.

Michael C. Hall (formerly of Six Feet Under) plays the title role of Dexter Morgan, a blood splatter crime scene specialist for the Miami-Dade PD...with a dirty secret. He's a serial killer. A foster kid, his father (a detective) figured out his son's addiction to blood at an early age, but was able to influence him to only take it out on criminals. He is first and foremost a serial killer; his job, his relationships...all masks that he wears. And yet, you empathize with him - you relate to him, even though he has this brutal, disgusting side.

Hall's commitment to his character makes this show unbeatable, and a certain Emmy nomination for best drama and best actor in a drama are forthcoming.

You can see the first two episodes of Dexter here:

Monday, October 23, 2006

Things that still don't suck: Borat

As the director of The 40 Year Old Virgin put it, "It was the comedic equivalent of listening to Sgt. Pepper's for the first time. Absolute genius." Here are the first 4 minutes of the movie. I already snarfed coffee at work.

Things that don't suck: The King of Comedy

I love Jerry Seinfeld. He was at the Mohegan Sun's 10th anniversary party this past weekend - the Herald reported back with some of his routine:
  • On Iraq: “Is it all that sand and no beach that makes everyone in the Middle East crazy?”
  • On terrorists: “My favorite suicide bomber is the guy who blows himself up without hurting anyone else. Kind of like Jihad E. Coyote.”
  • On cereal: “Who came up with the name Life? Why don’t they just call it Almighty God. Or Almighty God with raisins. If you don’t like it, you can go to hell.”
  • On America’s coffee jones: “I know people who are stopping for coffee on the way to Starbucks, or Fourbucks as my friend calls it.”
  • On cremation: “It’s like they’re trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body, scatter the ashes and let’s pretend this whole thing never happened.”
  • On technology: “E-mail is the lowest form of human communication. It’s ‘I don’t want to see your face. I don’t want to hear your voice.’ ”

And speaking of technology, Seinfeld gave a shout-out to buddy, actor Matthew Broderick, who was sitting in the audience. Jerry mocked Mr. Sarah Jessica Parker for having to have the latest whiz-bang techno-toys but Broderick begged to differ.

“He thinks I am like that because I use a Blackberry and a cell phone,” the actor told us at the after-party at Ultra 88. “So I text message. I told him I could bring him to places where he could buy some of these things. You know, like (the) Verizon store.”

Friday, October 20, 2006

Things that suck: RCN

You won't believe the customer service nightmare going on over at RCN - and it's not just for me, it's for all RCN customers in the Boston area.

Recently, RCN upgraded the firmware (software that resides on your cable box) for all of their customers in the Boston area. There's a new menu, upgraded browsing options, etc.

I have a DVR, which allows you to record & save programming, and pause live television. RCN charges their customers an additional $15/month for this service. In the process of the firmware upgrade, they wiped all existing programming from everyone's DVR. In addition, I was not able to use my DVR for a week.

Okay, now while that sounds pretty bad...wait until you hear this.

I called RCN to find out what was wrong with my service, and an automated voice greeted me, telling me that the wait times were in excess of 60 minutes. I figured, "Okay, there's probably a lot of people expeiencing the same problem, and they're working on a solution." 3 days later, after no such solution appeared, I called again. I was told then that my wait time would be in excess of 71 minutes. I waited on the phone for 45 minutes, and gave up.

Two days after that, I called, attempting to cancel my service. In order to cancel my existing service, I was told that my expected wait time would be 60 minutes. I waited on the phone for 35 minutes, thinking that my luck would change, that someone might pick up the phone a bit sooner, to no avail. The next day, I called again, same deal. I called again minutes later, this time choosing the option for "Adding new service or enhancing current services." Within minutes, I was greeted by a friendly customer service agent. In order to cancel service:

  • I could not visit a local RCN dropoff point, where they would be making me drop off my equipment after cancellation.
  • I could not cancel my service through this particular department.
  • I could not cancel my service online.
  • I could not cancel my service in writing.
  • I could only cancel my service through the automated telephone system, between the hours of 8am-5pm.

Essentially, they are telling me that I can only cancel my service if I call the local call center from work, and wait over an hour on the phone to speak with someone (mind you, the local call center is in Pennsylvania - not so local). I am not being offered a refund for my DVR service. And the only way to speak with someone is if I'm willing to pay for additional services.

I'm sure I'm not the only person experiencing this terrible service. RCN needs to treat their customers better than this.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Things that suck: Messy divorces

Man, I wonder if Paul McCartney's kids are ever going to get married. After a much-ballyhooed romance with his first wife, Linda...his second attempt at marriage was abysmal - at best. I'm betting that he was playing Sgt. Pepper's backwards right before this happened:

In April 2006, as the marriage neared collapse, Sir Paul allegedly tipped red wine from a bottle over his wife's head and then threw what remained in his glass at her.

The divorce papers claim that Sir Paul 'then reached to grab the respondent's (Miss Mills's) wine glass, and broke the bowl of the glass from the stem.

'He then lunged at the respondent with the broken, sharp stem of the wine glass, which cut and pierced the respondent's arm just below the elbow, and it began to bleed profusely.

'He proceeded to manhandle the respondent, flung her into her wheelchair and wheeled it outside, screaming at her to apologise for "winding him up".' Miss Mills 'still bears the scars of the assault', the papers say.

"Hey Dad, I told you so." - Stella McCartney

Things that don't suck: Being "It"

Dumbassachusetts has finally gone too far. Willett Elementary School in Attleboro just outlawed "Tag" at recess. So are all other chasing games, apparently, including flag football.

How should kids respond? Like this kid! >>
Breakin' the law! Breakin' the law!

I'll leave the comedy to Jon Stewart, because no doubt he's going to have a field day with this story tonight on The Daily Show.

Instead, here are my top-ten favorite games that I played in grammar school:
  1. Red Rover. Run as hard as you can to break the chain. Nothing like a self-inflicted clothesline to get you ready for math.
  2. Touch Football. Let's be honest. This is push football. As in, push as hard as you can, and watch the guy with the ball go airborne.
  3. Dodge Ball. The best part of this game are the specially-designed balls with traction. You get hit in the face with a spinner, you're raspberry-faced for a week.
  4. King Of The Mountain. I loved this game, but it always involved a pile of dirt. We played on the jungle gym, until Andrew Bourgard broke his ankle.
  5. Wall Ball. You throw a tennis ball at the wall, and if your opponent doesn't catch it with one hand, he tried to run and touch the wall before you can hurl the ball at him as hard as you can, at his head. Of course, 9 times out of 10, they touched the wall and when he turned around, you hit him square in the balls anyway.
  6. Chicken. It's hard to find someone that's light yet strong, or good at grappling, but when you find a winning combination, it's very rewarding to see your opponent face-first in the dirt.
  7. Chump Whump. This is basically a game where someone grabs the ball, and you teckle them. Then another moron grabs the ball, and you tackle them. And so on.
  8. Kick the Can. We placed a plastic soda bottle in the middle of the playing field for this one, for distance and sound effects. The best was when you kicked the bottle right into a defender's face.
  9. Capture the Flag. This was by far my favorite game, as it involved both raw speed and stealthiness.
  10. Hitman. We had a special needs kid named Stanley who we used to pay off to pull people off the jungle gym. He lived on a farm and watched pigs get slaughtered, so it didn't really seem all that bad to him.
Bottom line: If you want to outlaw chasing games, move to France. This isn't about bullying, it's about kids roughhousing at recess.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Things that don't suck: Happy endings

Back on September 13, I posted a link to a story about Tim Cahill, a kid from Southie who was the victim of a brutal crime that was intended for someone else. I was psyched to see an article in today's Herald that details the aftermath; Tim went through invasive surgery, getting 25 staples in his chest & torso, but it seems as if he's turned out well - he's alive, and not only that - he's already giving back:
After the endless supply of food, flowers, cards and prayer medals, those teens who conducted a vigil at BMC for their mentor asked what else they could do.
“That’s when we thought that a blood drive might be a great a idea,” Maureen Cahill said.
Tim smiled from underneath his baseball cap and softly said, “I needed some way to give back the blood I stole,” he chuckled, “or like my nurse, Patty Harrison put it, ‘The blood I borrowed.’ ”
So, this afternoon, as a way of thanking the community that surrounded him in such life and guided him home on a sea of prayers, Tim Cahill will be at the South Boston Neighborhood House’s Doc and Mary Tynan Senior Center at 136 H Street, at the corner of H and E Sixth streets, to preside over a blood drive.

It's encouraging to me to know that people like this exist.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Things that suck: Not knocking on wood

This is from a rather sad article about Cory Lidle, featured on the front page of It was written by Alan Schwartz, who befriended the pitcher recently. Cory Lidle seemed like the nicest guy, one of those guys you're glad to see make it big. Truly a sad story.

"Where do you live?" he asked me, knowing I lived in Manhattan.

"Upper East Side," I said. "90th and Third."

"Dude" -- Cory was from Southern California -- "you should really come up with me. We can fly right past your apartment building. You've never seen Manhattan 'til you've flown right up the East River. It's beautiful. We can do it one day before a game."

He wasn't kidding. Sufficiently convinced -- and, frankly, flattered -- I mentioned how I've always longed for the guts to skydive. But I had a baby boy in May. I will barely roll craps dice, let alone those.

"My wife would kill me," I said with a wink. "Small planes, you know."

I'd said that a little too flippantly, I guess, because Cory got somewhat serious.

"Totally exaggerated," he said. "You only hear about the crashes."

Having made his point, he said more lightly, "The kind of plane I have will be safer than the cars on the FDR Drive below us."

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Things that don't suck: The 2006-07 Boston Celtics

Anyone see that pre-season game last night against the Cavaliers? I am loving this team. They remind me of the UConn championship team in 2004 - always pushing the ball, getting out on the fast break, converting turnovers. Here's a quick player analysis:

  • Gerald Green. Played above the rim last night; seemed pretty good on defense - the experience he gained at the John Lucas Camp in Texas this summer looks like it has paid off. He had a couple of those "Nawwww!" moments but the real encouraging sign was watching him move without the ball. This kid isn't going to be good; he's already good. He's going to be great.
  • Rajon Rondo. Wow. I have never been happier to see Marcus Williams go to another team. Rajon Rondo was so quick on defense that at one point it felt as if he had 10 steals (he had 5 - not sure how they were counting). He created havoc for the Cavs - created turnovers, ran the fast break - fantastic looking player, Ainge made a great move to go with him. He doesn't have to shoot 50% to be effective. Got a lot of Cousy comparisons last night - wasn't flashy unless it was necessary.
  • Kendrick Perkins. When Perk blocks a shot this year, he does it like Bill Russell. He tips the shot, either to himself or a teammate, rather than go after it, Alonzo Mourning-like, for style points. He played great, and will be a huge factor if he stays healthy.
  • Al Jefferson. Al has a baby hook (the best shot in the game), and they can't block it. He's also tenacious on the boards, and his energy is contagious. Looks a lot like the Chief.
  • Sebastian Telfair. This guy can score. He's not as quick as Rondo, but can put the ball on the floor and drive to the hole better than anyone on the team. He was a steal, as far as I'm concerned.
This team has much, much more potential than any C's team in years past. I haven't been this excited to watch a team since the Bird era ended. Jump on the bandwagon now, folks, because in 3 years or less, we're talking Green 17.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Things that don't suck: HD sports marketing opportunities

Josh posted a good piece this morning about the NHL pursuing fantasy sports as a great marketing opportunity. I have a feeling, however, that the "next big thing" for the NHL is going to be HDTV, and they can't afford to miss this golden opportunity. In 2009, the FCC is flipping the switch, making HDTV the broadcast standard, supplanting the current "square" NTSC format.

The impact that this should have on sports like hockey and soccer is huge. Everyone knows just how exciting a hockey game is, when you're at the game. Hockey is a hard sport to watch on NTSC-TV. Most of the time, you're not able to see a play fully develop. With HDTV, you're able to watch the entire play, including longer passes, big hits that set up a breakaway opportunity, and substitutions. Besides that, HDTV is sharper, with brighter colors - and NHL uniforms are sharp, colorful, bold - it's a perfect match.

The NHL should invest a majority of their marketing dollars in promoting the "new" NHL, in widescreen format. Unlike other sports, where they change the rules to improve the game (see, defense in basketball, penalties in football, etc) - hockey can just focus on people being able to see the game. It's an awakening. A new beginning. And this is coming from a Whalers fan.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Things that suck: DVR overload

Okay, so just to preface this, I made a terrible call earlier this year when I gave a positive review of the HBO show, "Lucky Louie". I said it didn't suck. It sucked. It had lots of potential - it was edgy, different - seemed to have a soul. Then Louie used the word "c_nt" in a show about 50 times. Sucky Louie.

I am watching too many goddamn shows this year, and it's all because of my DVR. I love my DVR, but it's making me watch too much TV. This year, there seems to be more 24-like serial TV shows that require you to remember the details from the previous episode.

I'm having a hard time with two shows in particular: Kidnapped, starring Timothy Hutton, and Vanished. Both shows center around a kidnapping. One is a senator's wife; the other, a rich businessman's son. Both feature an older guy with a gun, who is trying to kill off major characters. I got them confused while watching Vanished last night. My wife was asking about the guy's motives, and I said, "Well, he killed the daughter's roommate, and noone seems to notice." There's a good reason for that. Wrong show.

So, I've given up on Kidnapped. I might keep recording them, and watch them at the end of the year or something. But my brain is fried from too much TV. Here are some quick reviews of the shows I DVR on just Monday:


8PM - The Class
. A+
This is the best comedy, bar-none, on TV right now, and if you're missing it, you're missing the beginning of the next Friends. The difference? This show was funny from the start. Friends took awhile for the characters to grow on you. There is at least one side-splitting moment in each of the first three shows.
Note: Watch the pilot episode - it sets everything up - the jokes are much funnier when put into context.

8:30PM - How I Met Your Mother.
This show is getting funnier, but these actors suck at playing drunk. I mean, horrible. Which is probably why they're never drunk at the bar they frequent, which is good. Probably the same reason nobody was ever drunk at Cheers. Doogie Howser is hi-lar-i-ous. Or should I say, "Legendary." The whole Ted-Robin storyline bores me to death.

9PM - Vanished. B
A big development happened this week that raised the grade from B-. The character actors in place seem authentic, which is huge for me.

10PM - Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. A
The only thing I don't like about this show is the fact that Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford are going to end up splitting votes for Best Actor in a Drama, and neither will win. Superbly acted, and the storylines are fascinating.

Two and a Half Men. A. Never not funny. The kid is a riot.
The New Adventures of Old Christine. B+. Julia Louis-Dreyfus has more of a personality this year.
CSI Miami. B+. David Caruso should be thanking South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone for unintentionally reviving his career back in 1996. He's great as Horacio Cane.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Things that don't suck: Borat

Sacha Baron Cohen is the funniest man on the planet. I first saw him on HBO - he played Ali G in "Da Ali G Show" in which he skewered government officials & other pseudo celebrities in faux interviews - and I thought he was pretty funny. But now? Now he's legendary. He's morphed into Borat, a Kazakhstan journalist. The character is pure genius - think, Peter Sellers, Andy Kaufman - but better. From Wikipedia:
In order to pass himself off as a foreigner, Sacha writes his alleged notes in Hebrew, and uses occasional Polish words (Dziękuję thank you, Jak się masz? how are you?, Dzień Dobry good day, Przepraszam sorry, though never in the correct situations) when speaking to people—not using Kazakh or Russian (the state and official languages of Kazakhstan). This has nearly had Borat exposed as a fake in midfilming. He has also lapsed into Hebrew while purporting to sing the Kazakhstani national anthem (in fact a simple reciting of major Kazakhstani cities) at a Savannah Sand Gnats game. In Hebrew, he kept on repeating a famous folk song: קום בחור עצל וצא לעבודה (kum bachur atzel ve'tze la'avoda) [...] קוקוריקו קוקוריקו התרנגול קרא (kookooriku kookooriku ha'tarnegol kara) ("get up lazy guy and go to work [...] cock a doodle do the cock has crowed"), and also called Kazakhstan a "hole" (חור). The hair and moustache are real, and it takes Baron Cohen six weeks to grow them. The suit has never been washed, which may cause him to smell "foreign" to those he encounters, adding to the apparent authenticity of his character.
This guy is so immersed in his character, that to outsiders, he seems completely authentic - so much so that the Kazahkstan government has had to repeatedly release PR statements that refute his claims! From the Globe:
Kazakh officials have sought to raise the profile of the oil-rich former Soviet republic and assure the West that, contrary to Borat's claims, theirs is not a nation of drunken anti-Semites who treat their women worse than their donkeys.

Shortly after Nazarbayev dedicated a statue in front of the Kazakh embassy, Borat denounced an official Kazakh publicity campaign running in U.S. magazines as "disgusting fabrications" orchestrated by neighboring Uzbekistan.

Shortly after Nazarbayev dedicated a statue in front of the Kazakh embassy, Borat denounced an official Kazakh publicity campaign running in U.S. magazines as "disgusting fabrications" orchestrated by neighboring Uzbekistan."If there is one more item of Uzbek propaganda claiming that we do not drink fermented horse urine, give death penalty for baking bagels, or export over 300 tonnes of human pubis per year, then we will be left with no alternative but to commence bombardment of their cities with our catapults," Borat said.
Check out his website - so bad it's good:

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Things that don't suck: Craig

The owner and founder of Craigslist was recently asked if he had considered selling the online classified giant, after analysts projected the value of MySpace in 3 years at $15 billion. His exact response:

"Who needs the money? We don't really care," Craig Newmark said in an interview at the Picnic '06 Cross Media Week conference here.

"If you're living comfortably, what's the point of having more?" Newmark said.

This guy is one of the reasons I still have hope for our society. When I win Powerball (I'm moving to NH, so I can say that now), I will live comfortably, but not in excess, and will dedicate my life to helping others, in some way. Bank on it. No gated driveways for me.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Things that don't suck: Kicking the crap out of Fox News

If you have any doubts about Bill Clinton, and what he meant for this country while in office, all you have to do is watch both of these videos, start to finish, and contrast them against the supreme idiot in office now.

1) He admits his mistakes, because he doesn't want to make them again. The current president, without being glib, won't even admit that me mispronounces "nuclear" every single time.

Yes, sure, I know about Monica Lewinsky, and the phrase "it depends on what your definition of 'is' is." But when it comes down to things that really matter, like protecting our people...F's all across the board for H.W.'s son. No, no terror attack since 9/11, my NeoCon friends...lest we forget - our soldiers are our people, too.

2) He supported people from all reaches of the political spectrum, entrusting this nation's counter-terrorism security on the best man for the job. A conservative. Richard Clarke's book is a must read.

3) He is eloquent, even when angry, and doesn't take shit from anybody, even Fox News. In contrast, Bush won't do interviews. They make him look stupid.

Part I of Clinton vs. Fox News:

Part II of Clinton vs. Fox News:

Friday, September 22, 2006

Things that don't suck: Torii's Stories

There's a rumor going around that Torii Hunter could replace Coco Crisp in centerfield for the Red Sox next year. He's one of the best defensive CF's in the league, and a clutch hitter to boot. I was hoping they'd replace Damon with him last year in a trade.

Hunter played instructional league ball with David Ortiz, and has a funny story about him:

"Here's this 6-foot-4 guy, wearing size 91/2 shoes," said Hunter of his Instructional League encounter. "I'm like, 'What's wrong?' He said, 'My feet are killing me, man.' Every game he complained about this for a week and a half. Finally, he showed me his shoe. I said, 'You don't wear a 91/2.' So there it was, 1997 and he finally figured out he wears a 121/2. His feet were curling up in a 91/2 all that time."

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Things that don't suck: Bringing on Bubba

The Herald is reporting that Deval Patrick is wasting no time in bringing in the big guns, announcing that the best President in the past 30 years, President William Jefferson Clinton, will be visiting the Bay State next month to campaign for his former employee. Kerry Healey's campaign manager released a few names that may stump for Healey:
Barbara Bush and First Lady Laura Bush, Republican former New York City Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani and New York Gov. George Pataki are among the names being tossed around to bring star power to her campaign.
So, for all you scoring it at home, that's the bigot mother of the worst president in the history of the United States, the wife of the worst president in the history of the United States, and two New Yorkers. Nothing says "Massachusetts" like that group.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Things that suck: Good deeds, punished

We are looking to buy our first house, and around here, it's impossible to justify the prices that sellers are demanding, even in this weakened market. It's downright piggish. So, like thousands of other families living in Massachusetts, we started to look for alternatives to living in our "comfort zone". We've looked out as far as Shrewsbury & Ashland to the west, Rhode Island to the south...we're probably going to end up heading north, to southern New Hampshire.

Along the way, however, we looked at places in areas such as Framingham, Braintree, and Quincy - in questionable sections of town where you can get into a house for just over $300k, and I remember thinking to myself, "You know, no matter where we live, our children are going to end up fine. We're going to raise them right, they're going to learn the value of helping others, they're going to learn to keep their noses out of trouble."

So this week, when I learned about the story of Timmy Cahill, it sent chills up and down my spine - and gave our house hunt a lot more perspective. From the Boston Herald:
Timothy Cahill is as far removed from the sad and desperate world of a South Boston junkie as a Southie kid can get. Fact is, he works long hours at the South Boston Neighborhood House, trying to keep kids away from the abyss. He’s been coach, mentor, counselor and friend.

Still, Timmy Cahill, all of 25, was delivered to death’s door in the bright sunlight of Monday afternoon by a knife-wielding coward who mistook him for a Southie burnout with a long list of enemies.

It wasn’t the first time, friends said yesterday, that Timmy Cahill had been mistaken for one Joey Pano Jr. But this time, the lowlife who jumped out of a car on I Street, called him “Joey” and accused him of stealing a video game, didn’t wait to hear Timmy say, “You got the wrong guy.”

The knife tore through his liver and cut a main artery in his chest. Timmy was 20 feet from the Quencher Tavern, where his dad, Jimmy, a retired Boston firefighter, was waiting with his cheeseburger.

I can't imagine the anguish Jimmy Cahill felt, watching in horror as his son stumbled through the door, clutching his chest, blood spilling through his fingers. The elder Cahill had already gone through a traumatic event in his life: he had to retire from the BFD after suffering a massive stroke. And now, because of it, he was little help to Timmy, who would always be his little boy.

Due to the heroic efforts of the friends and family that constantly surround them, Tim has a good chance to survive. They quickly mobilized, and kept him from bleeding out. We'll probably hear about how Tim recovers, forgives his attacker, then returns to the life of service he undoubtedly owes to his upbringing. Essentially, a much greater good could come out of this. Or, conversely, he could die and become another tragic story with a moral.

Either way, I've decided that my life as a parent is just beginning, and the worrying that accompanies it is constant. So I'm going to find a nice house, on a nice street, in a nice town, and then lock my children in the basement.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Things that suck: When Lynndie England looks like a humanitarian

Remember Lynndie England (pictured)? Can you imagine being treated worse than this? America turned over the reins (literally) to Abu Graihab prison this week, and conditions have dramatically gone down the toilet. From the London Telegraph:
"The Americans were better than the Iraqis. They treated us better," said Khalid Alaani, who was held on suspicion of involvement in Sunni terrorism.

Inside the 100-yard long cell block the smell of excrement was overpowering. Four to six prisoners shared each of the 12ft by 15ft cells along either side and the walls were smeared with filth. The cell block was patrolled by guards who carried long batons and shouted angrily at the prisoners to stand up.

Access to the part of the prison containing terrorism suspects was denied, but from that block came the sound of screaming. The screaming continued for a long time.

"I am sure someone was being beaten, they were screaming like they were being hit," the witness reported. "I felt scared, I was asking what was happening in the terrorist section.

"I heard shouting, like someone had a hot iron on their body, screams. The officer said they were just screaming by themselves. I was hearing the screams throughout the visit."

The witness said that even in the thieves' section prisoners were being treated badly. "Someone was shouting 'Please help us, we want the human rights officers, we want the Americans to come back'," he said.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Things that don't suck: Fung-Wah diehards

So, the infamous Fung-Wah busline that travels between Boston and New York multiple times daily has finally pushed things too far. One of their buses capsized off of 290, injuring 34 people, and stirring the pot of all the major Boston news channels.

Fung-Wah has long been considered the psycho cousin to Greyhound & Bonanza; there are crazy rumors, from allowing passengers to drink on board, to driving in excess of 80mph, to having undocumented drivers. The latter two points have since come to the surface because of the accident. Last night on the news, I heard a couple of tidbits that I found interesting:

  • They've been able to ascertain the approximate speed the buses have been travelling, from EZ-Pass check-in times (another example of big brother watching your every move)

  • Channel 7 interviewed an awaiting passenger at South Station, who didn't help Fung-Wah's case: "I don't care what they say about Fung Wah, I'm still gonna ride. They HAUL ASS. You get to NYC in 4 hours - nobody can touch that."

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Things that don't suck: Making Microsoft look worse

Google does it again. Today marks the launch of Google News, a vigorous undertaking on the part of Google and hundreds of newspapers. I remember the days when archived newspaper content needed to be sorted through on microfiche, or sorted through on Lexis-Nexis. Not only does this content become instantaneously available, it offers an additional revenue stream for newspapers. In other words, everybody wins. See, Microsoft? It's always better to share.

  • You pay $3 for your research, and save 3 hours. Check.
  • Google makes money off of advertising and the agreement with the newspapers. Check.
  • The newspapers make money off of "pay-per-view" articles, most of which were previously inaccessible unless you had a few hours to spare. Check.

While Google has made newspapers "famously ambivalent" over the years, today's launch turns Google into the "newspaper fee-based archive’s best friend." Google is not taking a cut of any of the revenue generated. While fee-based archives are available at each source, aggregating them together makes it possible to expose archive material more effectively than ever before, and to a wider audience.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Things that don't suck: Improving our image abroad through meaningful service

An op-ed piece in the Baltimore Sun delves into the subject of mandatory service abroad for all U.S. college students. Service, as opposed to semester abroad is a fantastic idea, for three reasons:

  1. it would give students a better understanding of the world's cultural differences;

  2. it would establish meaningful operations that actually help people in need;

  3. it would promote one of the best reasons to love our country, a trait of the United States that the world rarely pays attention to: altruism.

From the article:

What if, in addition to touring museums and learning new languages, students did as Jan Eliasson, president of the U.N. General Assembly and foreign minister of Sweden, has suggested? He would like all American college students to spend a semester abroad not simply studying but conducting grass-roots service - staffing schools and clinics, improving water sanitation, developing environmentally sound agriculture and helping start local business ventures in the world's struggling nations.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Things that suck: General Motors

General Motors is pulling their sponsorship from Survivor - of course, they're being ambiguous in their reasons why. Could it be...racism? This is why the media is dangerous. The shows chosen to be televised are graded on their ability to draw two things: audience, and sponsors. Scare a sponsor, get shut down. Make a splash, alarm the FCC.

Even edgier networks, such as FX, have this problem - however, their bottom line is quite different than the Big Four, so they've been able to fly under the radar. However, I predict that's about to change. Nip/Tuck and Rescue Me are really testing the boundaries this year.

The last time I got this aggravated was when ABC pulled Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, all because he questioned our reasons for going to war, and the methods we employed. That was a great show. When Maher moved to HBO, the show became superb. You hear exactly what the panelists are thinking. Wouldn't it be nice to hear a politician say exactly what was on their mind? Tune in to Real Time with Bill Maher folks, you'll find out.

For the last time: controversy is Ozzie Guillen calling a reporter a "fag". Controversy is Rush Limbaugh questioning Donovan McNabb's ability, saying the media affords him a longer leash because he's black. Controversy is not a show trying to debunk myths about race by dividing contestants by flavor.

GM is unable to take a stand because people on both sides of the fence are potential customers. Unfortunately for GM, they're totally discrediting people like me, who think that they're completely spineless. I will never buy a car from GM, ever. That's because GM is a piece of shit company with a history of selling out.

Things that don't suck: Spike Lee's "When the Levees Broke"

Last night I watched When the Levees Broke, Spike Lee's documentary about Hurricane Katrina & its aftermath. It was the most riveting 4 hours of television I've seen this year. Best documentary, by far. Please watch/DVR this if you have HBO, or rent it if you don't. It's split up into 4 Acts.

One of the more interesting portions of the first hour was a group of interviews with people who swear they heard and felt an explosion, after the strongest winds had passed. That's when the levees broke, and water levels rose rapidly, emptying raw sewage into the streets.

I'd think that this was just another crazy consipracy theory, if it hadn't happened before. During the Great Mississippi Flood of 1927, the Army Corps of Engineers decided, along with local politicians, to blow the dams to save the high-rent French Quarter. This ended up minimizing damage to the most affluent areas of New Orleans, but decimated St. Bernard Parrish, killing hundreds of people, and leaving thousands homeless (all poor).

Now, I'm not saying that anyone blew the dams this time around. There is no solid proof (it would have washed away anyway). However - factor in the fact that it took the federal government 5 full days to get water to these people...women and children were literally dying in the heat, bodies & feces floating around in the flood waters...and you can see why people would think that way. According to Mike "Heckuva job, Brownie" Brown, the president was warned a full 2 days in advance of the storm that this was to be a disastrous event unlike any other.

During the entire documentary, Spike Lee makes a point to show that the government's lack of response linked directly to class. Not race. But with a population of about 68% African-American, you can see why Kanye West said those infamous words, "George Bush hates black people." It's an undeniable link. While visting "refugees" at the Houston Astrodome, his own mother said, "so many of the people in the arenas here, you know, were underprivileged anyway. This is working very well for them."

It's hard not to get upset, watching that documentary. I've decided to find out what more I can do - last year, I ran a canned food & supplies drive. I'm going to find out what more we can do, because the worst civil-engineering disaster in the history of the United States is far from over.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Things that suck: Edgar Stiles

24 didn't deserve the Emmy for Best Drama this year. I base my opinion on one scene. In the Episode "6:00-7:00pm", Edgar Stiles dies in what can easily be called the worst dying sequence ever filmed. There's a poisonous gas that has been released, one that supposedly burns you from the inside-out, causing hideous levels of pain. Edgar gets trapped outside the Operations room, only to discover that the remaining CTU staff are inside, sealed off and protected.

Edgar Stiles and Chloe O'Brien were close friends, and it was revealed earlier in the day that he was romantically interested in her. Their final exchange should have been palpable. At the very least, they could have had a very Star Trek: Wrath of Khan moment - fingers sliding down the separating glass, breathlessly expressing a final goodbye.

Instead, it went a little something like this:

Edgar: Chlo-e! [Phhhllump!]

The fact that Lost wasn't even nominated, and 24 won the Emmy, even after a horrible piece of acting like's such crap. You wouldn't mind, but the scene was considered a controversial, momentous turning point for the show...I doubt they're even watching television.

For the record: I love watching 24. But it didn't deserve an Emmy. Good lord. Hey at least Edgar's dead!

Monday, August 28, 2006

Things that suck: Losing ground, losing self

Tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of Hurrican Katrina. On August 29, 2005, the storm ravaged the grand old city of New Orleans. I was just reading an article about the storm by New York Times reporter Sheila Bosworth, and her ending left me feeling pretty empty:
In "The Sun Also Rises," Mike Campbell explains how he went bankrupt: "Two ways. Gradually, and then suddenly." That's one answer to the question of how New Orleans collapsed. There are those who say New Orleans must have seen Hurricane Katrina and its deadly aftermath coming, must have been expecting the worst, given the conditions - geological, structural, meteorological, political - that long preceded the storm.

But expecting it and being ready for it are two different things. You're never ready to give up the people and the places you've loved.

The best you can do is to go on expecting the sad suddenness of the goodbye.
That's a really sad thought. It's one thing to lose your material items; it's another to lose your sense of the past. I look forward to one day taking my kids back to where I grew up, and be able to point things out to them, That's where Dad played baseball...That's Gram & Pop's old house...

Even those who grew up in abject poverty have fond memories of their childhood. My Mom grew up poor, yet visits Bellows Falls, VT every year - it was her home. It's a part of us, it helps define who we are. When it's gone, it's devastating.

Katrina is a haunting reminder that we really can't afford to take things for granted. Life is far too short. I just made a donation to the Bush-Clinton Katrina fund - a small price to pay, and it's going to someone who has suffered a great loss. I'd encourage you to do the same.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Things that don't suck: Survivor, Cook Islands

If you haven't heard already, the latest installment of Survivor will initially divide contestants by race: White, Hispanic, African American, and Asian. Host Jeff Probst calls this "just another chapter of a very public social experiment" - and I think that this is a good thing.

When it comes to race, I think there should be more open debate. I'm compelled to watch this show more than any other Survivor, because I'm rooting for the contestants to buck stereotypes. The United States is a melting pot, and I'm hoping the new season shows that our society is moving towards a confluence of race - it would surely stand in stark contrast to the rest of the world.

I think it's easy for someone to say that this show should be pulled from the air - especially when their boiled-down argument is "Because racism is bad." I truly believe that political correctness is about as helpful to racism as George W is to Iraq. It's the ideas behind the words that need to be healed, not the words themselves. Censorship covers up the truth. If you can't tell what I'm thinking, how can you tell me why I'm wrong?

At worst, what this show is going to do is make us think. Make us talk. Make us disagree. It's okay to disagree, as long as, in the end, you listen to the other person's point of view. We're not robots. Yet.

This is officially my #1 show to watch this year.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Things that suck: But I'm not playing footsie with you, dear...

Excuse me sir, is that a snake in your pants, or are you just heppy to see me?So, some of you may remember this posting of mine from January, "Things that suck: Rattling Kong's Cage" - it referenced an earthquake that shook a theater during a screening of King Kong, that made moviegoers feel like they were part of the movie. I remember thinking to myself as I was writing it, "Man, if I were a little kid watching that movie and that happened, I'd either think it was the coolest thing ever, or I'd be so completely terrified that I'd never go to the moves again."

So, that was pretty bad, right? Well, read this!
Two live diamondback rattlesnakes were released in an Arizona movie theater during a showing of the new film "Snakes on a Plane," according to Local 6 News.

Authorities said pranksters released the young venomous rattlesnakes in a dark theater at the AMC Desert Ridge near Tatum and Loop 101 in Phoenix. The two snakes caused a panic in the dark theater, according to the report.

"That to me is very scary," herpetological association representative Tom Whiting said. "I would hate to be watching a movie about snakes and have a rattlesnake bite me."

Wranglers were called to collect the snakes, the report said.
You know, for the record, a "prankster" sprays graffiti, or leaves a flaming bag of poop on someone's doorstep. A prankster doesn't release venomous snakes into a crowded theater!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Things that suck: Going to school in Thailand

JonBenet's killer gives me the creeps.

Police said Karr had applied for jobs at Bangkok's dozens of international schools. They had said earlier one had hired him.

"People like him are dangerous. We have criminals from all over the world running away from their home countries to look for teaching jobs in Thailand," Suwat said.

Wow. There goes their marketing campaign slogan for new urban development: "Thailand. A great place for kids."

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Things that don't suck: Bruno Giovanni Quidaciolu, Jr.

Beloved character actor Bruno Kirby (born Bruno Giovanni Quidaciolu, Jr.) has passed on, at the age of 57. He died of leukemia, with which he was recently diagnosed. Bruno was fantastic - he was my favorite part of the movie City Slickers. I love that movie. Best line:
Billy Crystal: That was "have a pleasant and restful evening."
Bruno Kirby: No, that was "I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?"
Here's a brief list of his more-famous movie roles:
Rest in peace, Bruno.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Things that don't suck: Pay for Punk'd

So, I just received this email from a buddy of mine today, who just bought a new Dell desktop:
I agreed to be part of a marketing study for Dell. They are gonna come watch and video tape me putting it together and then I have to fill out a survey once a week for four weeks. I get $200 gift certificate for Dell after it's done
So, of course, the gears started turning in my head...there are several ways to make this more interesting:
  1. Get drunk before they get there. Wasted, Mel Gibson drunk.
  2. Keep saying repeatedly, "Dude, quit taping my Dell."
  3. At some point look directly at the camera and say, "Is Wayne Brady gunna have to choke a bitch?"
  4. Keep plugging the cords in upside down.
Any other suggestions?

Monday, August 14, 2006

Things that don't suck: The message board for NBC's "Treasure Hunters"

If anyone watches the show "Treasure Hunters" on NBC, you'll get a kick out of this posting, which, I may add, was written a week before the answer to the online game was given. And it was right. This was essentially the world's baddest endzone celebration - this guy knew where the treasure was, with such certainty, that he had time to come up with all this (NMAH = National Museum of American History):
After assembling the puzzle and reading these clues, the answer is obvious. It's the NMAH. My reasoning.

1. Rush to see the treasure stand. The only stand that is on the National Mall is Morgan's and Donz's hot dog stand. Located in front of the NMAH. Those dogs are pure treasure (although I remember when the Pilgram Dog was only $16.20).

2. See the inspirational underwater room. The summer rains in Washington brought floods to the Museums on the National Mall. Some rooms were under water.

3. Carved in the wall. In one of the bathrooms in the basement of the NMAH, where it was quite dark, I found some words carved in the wall. Although not patriotic, I was able to track down the author to one I.C. Weiner, of Gettysburg, Pennslyvania.

4. Hail to the Redskins. An obvious reference to the NFL. The NFL has a Hall of Fame. A Museum of National and American Leagues Football History. Shortened to MNAH, the anagram of NMAH.

5. The misty clues cover the symbolic ones. "Play Misty For Me." An early Clint Eastwood film. Later he stars in the classic, but Oscar overlooked, "Every Which Way But Loose." The flag, when in the wind, flies every which way but loose.

6. The game plan was laid. Again an obvious reference to the NFL.

7. Clupea Harengus. No need to use that part of the clue. Wiped out the Colours. Colours=Crayons. You are not allowed to write on the walls of the NMAH with crayons.

8. The Confederacy won. Another terms for Confederacy is Rebels. The University of Mississippi are the Rebels. Famous Rebel quarterback, Archie Manning, former NFL player and father of present day NFL quarterbacks, Eli and Payton Manning. Again, another NFL clue.

9. Debt even hits oil. The anagram. Don't Believe This (cleaned up for the younger ones playing the game). In other words ignore all the obvious clues and the words circled in red. Which means anywhere but the Lincoln Memorial. Which is probably a correct guess, but should be narrowed down to the NMAH.

I can't wait to get my phone call soon. I'm already packed.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Things that suck: Us

...for making this moron famous:

Britney's "ugly" video

August 11, 2006

A video of Britney Spears has been leaked on to the internet.

The three-minute rant filmed by her husband Kevin Federline shows the 'Toxic' singer moaning about feeling "ugly" and missing out on life.

She fumes: "I'm ugly. My jaw hurts. I feel confused. I feel like I have been missing out on life.

Kevin asks: "What part of life?"

To which Britney snaps: "Things. Just things that are going on. I feel like I'm behind or something. It sounds weird but I do. I want to see a movie."

Kevin insists her wild partying is to blame and asks her if she would rather watch a movie or go out with her friends.

In answer, Britney slams her fist on the table and demands: "What's that supposed to mean? I would go watch the movie and then drink at home."

The singer then launches into a bizarre conversation about time travel.

She says: Have you ever seen 'Back to the Future'? Is that possible - to travel back in time? I think some people can do that. I think some people are ahead of us."

Kevin replies: "Could you imagine how many people would try to go back and change things?"

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Things that suck: The Computer Guys

Has anyone else seen this commercial? Could these guys be any more unenthused about their jobs?

"...we're The Computer Guys..."

It's either the worst commercial ever made, or a stroke of genius. They don't sound too shabby according to their website:
The Computer Guys, Inc. (TCG), an expert in strategic IT services for small and medium sized businesses, was honored by the MetroWest Chamber of Commerce as an outstanding local business. The Chamber awarded The Computer Guys the Small Business of the Year Award at their November Annual meeting on November 17th.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Things that suck: Getting screwed by Massachusetts pols

I hate the Massachusetts political machine. Last week, we heard about Senate President Robert Travaligni's brother getting a $40,000 pay raise (apparently because $260,000/year wasn't enough)...and today, we hear that war veterans are being forced to sign loans for college tuition because the Legislature ended their session without a decision? Isn't that the main reason why most of them signed up in the first place? Ever heard of honoring a promise?

The following is a quote by gubernatorial candidate Kerry Healey, from today's Boston Herald:
"The Legislature has made the appalling decision to vote on things like tuition breaks for illegal immigrants, but they couldn’t take the time to take a vote to help our Massachusetts war heroes...I find it deeply disturbing.”
National Guard officials say the bureaucratic red tape has left some soldiers scrambling to meet tuition costs.
“It appears that some schools are honoring the tuition fee waivers and some are not,” said National Guard spokesman Maj. Winfield Danielson. “We remain hopeful that the Legislature will fund the tuition waiver in an informal session.

Two groups are responsible here, and should be ashamed of themselves. MA Pols, and the colleges who won't honor war veteran tuition fee waivers. I want the Herald to post a list of those colleges who won't accept the waivers. Blacklist those schools! These guys, no matter how you feel about the war in Iraq, are putting their lives on the line, for us.

I'm not blind to the fact that Kerry Healey is a MA pol herself - she's spinning the whole situation for her own political gain (they're veterans, enough with the dramatic "hero" kick for spin - veteran says it all, thanks), but she's right in her overall sentiment.

I have a real problem with the fact that there are people in Massachusetts who are living illegally, not paying taxes, and are getting a break on tuition...especially when you factor in the fact that veterans aren't receiving the bare minimum of what's been promised to them.

I'm sure there are more than a few illegal immigrants who have stories that pull on our heartstrings, but rules should be enforced. It just goes to show how flawed our system of government in Massachusetts really is.

There is no gray area here.

What a bunch of absolutely pathetic losers. And they wonder why voter turnout is so low.

Things that suck: Dropping the ball - then shooting it, spraying it with lighter fluid, and watching it burn

A person really needs to work hard to screw up their life as badly as Maurice Clarett has. The juxtaposition of the following incidents - one in October 2003, and the other in August 2006 (this morning), is staggering.

October 2003 — Here are the 2003 Heisman hopefuls, in predicted order of finish:

MAURICE CLARETT, running back Ohio State, sophomore

Despite missing three games with injuries and much of a fourth, Clarett carried the Buckeyes to a national championship last season, rushing for 1,237 yards and 16 touchdowns. More importantly, he played big when the Buckeyes needed him most. Against Michigan, Clarett played through a shoulder injury to run for 119 yards and a touchdown and set up the winning score with a 26-yard reception. In the national title game against Miami, he ran for two touch-downs, including the game-winner in overtime.

August 2006Maurice Clarett was arrested early Wednesday after a highway chase that ended with police using Mace on the former Ohio State running back and finding four loaded guns in his truck, a police spokesman said.

Officers used Mace to subdue Clarett after a stun gun was ineffective because the former Fiesta Bowl star was wearing a bullet-resistant vest, Sgt. Michael Woods said.

"It took several officers to get him handcuffed," Woods said. "Even after he was placed in the paddy wagon, he was still kicking at the doors and being a problem for the officers."

Monday, August 07, 2006

Things that suck: Watching someone die

I wanted to scream after reading this story.

Assuming the parent of this 3-year old child is negligent, whose face do you smash in first: the parent (for not noticing their child was floating lifeless in the water), or the lifeguard-s, for their reaction?
Anthony Graham, 35, who was swimming with his daughter, noticed the boy floating in the water about 20 feet out and carried his lifeless body to the beach.

“I brought him in where the lifeguard was sitting. I laid him down,” said Graham, of Hyde Park.

But several witnesses said lifeguards said they wouldn’t do CPR without a mouthpiece to protect themselves, so two young moms trained in CPR took control.
Okay, completely sidestepping the fact that a 3-year old isn't the high-risk candidate the lifeguards should be worried about, where was their protective mouthpiece? Did they lie about taking CPR to get a nice relaxing summer job?

Still, if the parent was there and not paying attention, I say beat the snot out of them first.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Things that don't suck: Being Big Papi

I know most of you must have seen this today, but it deserves another mention. BSG posted a dandy of an article on the greatest clutch player in Boston sports history - Larry Legend v. Big Papi. Check out the numbers - care of Page 2:
  • If Ortiz has one more walk-off hit in 2006, he'll be the first baseball hitter to have six in a single season since the division era began in 1969.
  • Since the start of 2005, he's come up 13 times with the chance for a game-ending plate appearance and made an out only once (and he ended up winning that game in the 12th inning).
  • He has the most walk-off hits in any four-year span (12, and that doesn't include the three in the 2004 playoffs, which made him the only player in history with three game-ending postseason hits).
  • Since he joined the Red Sox in 2003, he has 15 walk-off hits and the rest of the team has 19 total. ... Since Aug. 1, 2004, Ortiz has hit 21 home runs in 138 at-bats in Late-Inning Pressure Situations (no other player has more than 13).
  • Dusty Baker has the most career walk-off hits (25, including the playoffs), but Ortiz is 10 behind.
  • And just for the record, none of those stats include all the times when he tied a game or gave the Red Sox the lead in the seventh or eighth inning.
These numbers are staggering. For starters, by the numbers, Big Papi is batting .923 with the game on the line. Folks, this is a game in which you can expect to go to the Hall of Fame having success 32% of the time - and that's during normal playing conditions.

However, BSG is right, Larry Legend is still tops, with Ortiz making a mamoth run at the title. This list shows the greatest clutch performers in baseball history, and if its any indication, Big Papi is making it easy to punch his Cooperstown ticket. Check out the names, as well as the successful conversions, on the list.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Things that suck: A can of worms, when you're taking a worm in the can

So, carried this retardiculous article today, on the number of reported cases of sexual abuse in the American prison system.
Fewer than three prisoners in every 1,000 report they were sexually abused or harassed, but that probably is not the whole story, a government study says.

There may be far more sexual violence in prisons than is reported, the study's authors said, because inmates fear reprisal, adhere to a code of silence, do not trust the staff or are embarrassed.
Inmates fearing reprisal? Isn't getting bent over like Paris Hilton at a bachelor party enough? What could possibly be worse than getting up ended in prison?!

Fellas, if you look at that map, alls I gots to say is - if you break the law, just make sure it's in either South Carolina or New Mexico. Unless, of course, it's so bad in those prisons that nobody fesses up to getting "Barbara Mandrilled."** But whatever you do, don't do it in Texas or Florida. They seem like the most "loving" of states, according to this map. Which makes sense - the Bush brothers bent everyone over.

I think my favorite part of this article is this line, however - which demonstrates our tax dollars at work:
The report is the second one required by the Prison Rape Elimination Act of 2003, which was an attempt to solve a problem believed to be widespread.
I'm so glad Congress was taking a stand on this issue in 2003, especially considering nothing else was going on in the world that was more pressing than convicted man-on-man crimes of passion. WHO CARES.

**Editor's note: this joke was in reference to 80's superstar Barbara Mandrell, who sang "If Lovin' You is Wrong (I Don't Want to be Right)" which seemed apropos.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Things that don't suck: Crazy people (because they make life more interesting)

Edward James Olmos is a loony toon. Need proof? When asked if he would reprise his role as Lt. Martin Castillo for Michael Mann's big-budget adaptation of the hit 80's cop drama Miami Vice (you know, the #1 movie at the box office?!) - he declined:
[Edward James Olmos] reportedly had his agent send a VHS to Universal containing a 20-minute loop of Olmos staring silently into the camera in disgust.
If I were Michael Mann, I'd send a nice note back to him saying, "Sorry for thinking of you, you pock marked, washed-up has-been!"

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Things that don't suck: Telling off Joel Siegel

So, ABC News fluff movie critic Joel Siegel got up and left the screening of Clerks 2 after about 40 minutes (apparently after a joke about beastiality)...

Kevin Smith had a great diatribe directed at that stupid idiot on his blog, which contained this doozy:
Cardinal rule of movie-going: shut your fucking mouth while the movie's playing. They even ask you to do so in the pre-show run-up to every flick ("Cell phones and pagers off, no talking during the show"). This guy went beyond talking, even; he was making a spectacle of himself as he left. I've now spoken to three folks in attendance last night, and all have said that Siegel WANTED everyone to know how disgusted he was, and that he was leaving. If you want to share your displeasure with everyone, that's fine, dude; just do it AFTER the movie, not during. Some folks were enjoying themselves. I don't come down to your job and slap the taste out of your mouth for coming up with a line like "'Shark Tale' Is a Halibut Good Time"; so don't fuck with my stuff WHILE IT'S STILL SCREENING.
I want to see Kevin Smith promoting his movie on Good Morning America. Very badly.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Things that suck: Overexaggerating

Now, before you say anything, I know. I'm one to talk. This may be the pot calling the kettle black, but then again, I'm not saying this to a newspaper with a circulation of 475,000 (and into the multi-millions when considering the web numbers).

I wasn't going to write anything today, but I got a little fired up when reading a piece on Tom Amorello (every time I say his name, I think Rage Against the Machine) quote really bothered me, from Senator Jack Hart, Democrat of South Boston (from
If we don't do something quickly, this could have lasting repercussions for years to come. During the tourist season, we have people around the region and the country saying Boston is an unsafe and corrupt city to go to because contractors got away literally with murder.
For a politician to say this to a newspaper is reprehensible. He should know better, especially considering the fact that most of his job is wordsmithing in order to pass legislation. I seriously doubt anyone would think that these people are responsible for murder. That's to say that they think someone intentionally left a 2-ton piece of concrete dangling, with the intent to watch it fall and crush some poor soul to death. He might as well just call them terrorists.

If anything, someone - the foreman in charge, the workers themselves - should be punished for negligence and gross misconduct. I remember 2 years ago, when the Herald was publishing daily photos of workers sleeping on the job, spending taxpayers money. The system is corrupt, and the unions make it easy to be lazy on the job, but murderers? Not from my point of view.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Things that suck: Shaving

I accidentally shaved off a part of my goatee today, so had to get rid of the whole thing. Effing razor moved down a notch as I was shaving, from a 3 to a 1 setting.

Picture Tom Selleck, sans mustache. Know how ridiculous he looks? Yeah, well, he's GOOD looking. I'm ready to kill someone at Wahl.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Things that suck: World War III

Uh-oh. Senior-level government officials in Japan are openly discussing a pre-emptive strike upon North Korea. So much for diplomacy.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Things that suck: Being overpriced

This new ball from Spaulding retails for $99. I will not buy one at that price, unless it guarantees a basket each and every time.

p.s. This basketball is worth more than Rajon Rando. Nice going tonight, Danny.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Things that still suck: Hwang Woo Suk and the Suktones

Found a little piece on disgraced cloning "pioneer" Hwang Woo-Suk today, floating around the web. If you recall, back in December, I wrote a little piece that "critiqued" the entire investigation. Now, to update the story:
  1. Hwang Woo Suk does indeed suck. He lied about his findings. In fact, the only clone he got right was the photograph of the stem cells.
  2. Hwang Woo Suk and the Suktones are already opening up a new lab.
  3. Korean people really eat dogs. thing you know, Suk is going to show up at Madame Tussauds claiming he cloned Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

From Reuters:
Hwang will open a research facility in Seoul and employ many researchers who have worked with him before, Lee said.

Medical researchers have said it will be nearly impossible for Hwang ever to publish again in a major journal because of the fraud perpetrated by his team.
Now, is it just me, or does this sound like the plotline to The Island of Dr. Moreau? Estranged scientist, conducting evil experiments with DNA...

Friday, June 23, 2006

Things that suck: Teabaggers

I can't believe I just read this story. Furthermore, I can't believe the Drudge Report link to the story reads, "Female cheerleader sues over 'teabagging', fondling at Marshall University..."

Why did these morons think a) that this was okay and b) that they were going to get away with it? Especially after the Duke rape incident!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Things that suck: Brownies

So, Bomber and I are going back & forth over the reasons why Americans don't dig soccer. Amongst my reasons are these points:
  1. Soccer is only the world's favorite game because it costs the least amount of money to play. All you need is a ball.
  2. The rules are too subjective. Yellowcards are ridiculous, and "extra time" is dumb.
  3. Ending the game in a tie is fine. Ending a tie game with no scoring at all is stupid.
  4. Soccer players might have great conditioning, but they're complete wussies. Especially if they're from Paraguay. Man, they're good at faking injuries. It makes me wonder why the French aren't better at soccer.
...which reminds me of a joke:
During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major. An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation.

The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you." The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said, "That is a very good idea..." he turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."
So, I've been watching the World Cup for the past few weeks. I've been trying my best to get into it. But all these long-haired wussies are driving me crazy. "Oooww, my toe! Oww! My shinguard! Oww, quit pinching me!" I propose that all Paraguayans (?) wear brown uniforms. Those Ecuadorans, too, they're big time wussies, afraid of a little contact.

And then, when I thought my argument couldn't get any better, our favorite curly-haired boyfriend adds his two cents in the Globe:
My absolute favorite thing about soccer is stoppage time. The whole world is watching and one guy on the planet knows how much time is really left. At any moment, the guy with the watch can throw up his hands and say, ``That's it." Really adds to the drama.
Bomber, now you find yourself squarely on the side of CHB.

Game. Set. Poop.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Things that suck: Getting ass-slapped in public (when you don't want it)

So, Marilyn Tushman owns a boutique on Newbury Street, and yesterday some guys from the state Inspectional Services Department paid her a little visit. They took her sandwich board sign, which is illegal to have in Back Bay, and threw it in the back of their truck. Then when she started making a fuss, they slapped her with a $200 fine.

...and then the assholes snapped her picture running after the truck:

All I can say is, TUSH-MAAAAAN!

Now here's the kicker: when she opened her store 18 years ago, she obtained a permit for the sign - and then they changed the laws on her. That little nugget of information was buried on the third page of the story, followed by this:

Meanwhile, a man nearby walked around with a cardboard sandwich sign attached to his body that said Apparently, signs that move are not in violation of the city code.

``I figured I'd walk around and see if I could attract attention," said Steven Silberberg , whose business takes people backpacking to help them lose weight. ``My marketing acumen comes right out of the 1960s. . . . I guess I'm a rebel."