This buddy of mine from college has been nicknamed "Ace" since high school. That sucks. He's had a mustache since he was 12. That sucks. His sense of humor? That doesn't suck. He just sent me the following email. Note: the email itself sucks. His note, and what he picked out of the list doesn't suck.
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Pat - If you don’t read the whole thing, at least scroll to #7.
50 reasons why it's good to be a man
50. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
49. You know stuff about tanks.
48. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
47. You can open all your own jars.
46. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
44. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
43. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
42. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
41. You can kill your own food.
40. The garage is all yours.
39. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
38. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
37. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
36. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
35. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
34. You can be President.
33. Flowers fix everything.
32. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
31. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
30. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
29. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
28. The world is your urinal.
27. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
24. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
23. One mood, all the time.
22. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
21. Same work....more pay.
20. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
19. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
18. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
17. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
16. The remote is yours and yours alone.
15. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
14. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
13. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
12. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
11. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
10. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
9. There is always a game on somewhere.
8. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
7. You think the idea of punting a small cat is funny.6. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
5. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
4. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
3. Baywatch
2. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
1. All your orgasms are real.
Instead of writing a year-end review, as other columnists do this time of year, Dan Shaughnessy decided to forget about the past, and focus on the future. In "He's Making Headlines," (Boston Globe, December 30th) Shaughnessy invents the news of 2006. Poorly, as usual.
