Things that suck: Early retirement

Poor Jeeves. He's been "Asked" to leave the premises at his former employer, Ask.com, effective immediately. I actually liked Jeeves - I thought it was cool to have a butler, see how the other half lives. I think he got sick of me calling him Alfred all the time, though.

Here's the story about Jeeves's retirement - I'm wondering what Ask.com is thinking - how dare they attempt to topple the mighty Googletron?

Things that don't suck: Remembering segregation

It really wasn't that long ago that segregation existed. It's such an alien concept to me, that sometimes I forget that we're really not that far removed from a time where this was considered normal. How ridiculous.

http://www.remembersegregation.org/

Things that suck: Fat cats

Two things strike me about this story, about a cat with a 33-inch waist:

1. The only thing missing from this photo is a chef's hat on that guy's head. If you think that I'm crazy, tell me...where in this story can I find the cat's name? Oh wait - it's not there? That's because the cat's name is "General Gao".
2. Regarding the last line of the story: Do I really have to watch Local 6 for more? Is there really that much more to it? Are they going to give the cat his own sit-com, have Slim Fast sponsor him?
   

http://www.local6.com/news/7267453/detail.html

Things that don't suck: DVR

I love DVR.

Reason #1: What else would enable me to capture Hilton Armstrong flipping off the West Virginia crowd like this?


Reason #2: I watched the V for Vendetta preview like, 5 times in a row last night...the only thing keeping me from seeing this movie in the theaters is the fact that Natalie Portman is an awful actress. Her only great performance to date was in The Professional...and if you even try coming back to me with "...but she was nominated for an Oscar for Closer," I will fart in your general direction.

Reason #3: Tanith in slo-mo...and watching everyone else fall on their asses, especially that one girl who got CRUSHED and carried off on a stretcher...that was aweso...ful. Just awful.

Things that don't suck: Dave Chapelle

I don't know how many of you watch Inside the Actor's Studio with James Lipton, but there is a can't-miss episode airing March 5 featuring Dave Chapelle. I watched it this morning on Bravo, and man...this guy is exactly what we need more of in this country - someone unflinching, raw, and honest.

He's an amazing guy, and the way he has been portrayed recently in the media is highly inaccurate and really unfair. They've tried to define him, but Dave Chapelle escapes definition. To me, he's the world's greatest comedian, and a good guy to boot. To others, he's some nut who ran off to Africa. And to Oprah, he's an entertaining guest who makes her nether-regions tingle.

Check out the clips on Bravo's website, or tune on on March 5 at 8pm.

Things that don't suck: The origin of these headlines

I bought this t-shirt back when The Onion (online edition) first got started in the mid-90s. I wore it once, to a Korn/Metallica show in Foxboro. Luckily, people don't take me seriously enough to want to kick my ass. Because that would suck.

You'll notice, unless this is your first time here, that I changed the name of my blog. This is because my friend, over IM, asked me if I were a big fan of JoPa. After a few seconds, I realized that he was talking about Joe Paterno. He thought the URL I had just sent to him read, "Patterno Flogic" which makes about as much sense as anything else in this blog, so I changed it immediately.

Things that don't suck: Cosmic fate

For those of you who didn't know already, my daughter, Ella Grace Patterson, was born in the early hours of Sunday, February 5...and I can't get enough of her already.

I have a website set up for family that showcases her (email me for the address), so I'll save everyone my gushing details about how much I love her - yes, even though its Valentines Day. I did, however, want to talk about fate, because there was a really strange, wonderful coincidence that occured the day she was born.

Everyone in my family has always compared me to my uncle Paul, who passed away from complications with cancer in 2002. He was (and is) one of my favorites - he taught me to laugh hard, and never give up on anything. Anyone who has been to my house has seen the 6-foot tall wooden cowboy ("Woody") - a gift from him, complete with funny story. It was my "inheritance" after he passed away. Paul & Pat, peas in a pod - big sports buffs, joke tellers, life of the party.

So, it didn't dawn on me until about Thursday of last week that when Ella was born, she became something else that my Uncle Paul and I would share forever. We both helped deliver a beautiful daughter on the exact same day. My cousin Myndy, an actress, was born February 5, 1971.

I believe in science, but I also believe in cosmic fate. Life is full of circles.

Things that don't suck: Cool birthdays

I hope my son or daughter is born tomorrow, at 8:10am. That way, his or her birthday will be: February 4, 2006 at 8:10.

2-4-6-8-10!

I suck at remembering birthdays. That one will be easy to remember for anyone else else with my affliction.

Things that don't suck: The ugly duckling

The world's ugliest and most unreliable car of all time, the Aurora, has been restored - 50 years after the only one ever manufactured hit the pavement.

This is a fascinating story - a priest from New York, Father Alfred Juliano, had this crazy idea, to make the world's safest car. To fund his idea, Father Juliano asked his congregation for help. $30,000 later, he had his prototype. He was flying high.

Unfortunately, the 19-foot long Aurora broke down 15 times on the way to its launch party, so no one wanted to buy one.

The Aurora had some revolutionary ideas, such as seatbelts, a roll cage, side-impact bars, and a collapsible steering column...and it had some duds. Most people focussed on the duds. My favorites were:

1. Front-end air scoop, intended to reduce injuries to any pedestrians who get in the way (sounds like a great idea for cops who want to clear Boston Common of heroin addicts)
   


2. Front seats rotated 180 degrees so that the occupants could turn around and brace themselves if they saw a collision coming (also useful for Dads who want to make good on their typically idle threats "Don't make me come back there!")
   
   
3. Foam padding, that surrounded the car (great for when you're getting out of a tight spot after parallel parking - just give the guy behind you a good nudge, and off you go!)
   

The Aurora was ditched, and left behind an auto body shop in Connecticut, and there it sat for decades. Back in 1993, a classic auto enthusiast named Andy Saunders read about it, contacted the owner, and had it shipped to him in England, where he spent 12 years restoring it.

http://www.rexfeatures.com/features/516925/

Things that don't suck: R2Beer2

That's it. I'm moving to Tokyo.

Japanese beer maker Asahi plans to give away 5000 personal bartending bots, each of which can store up to six cans of beer in a refrigerated compartment within its belly. At the push of a button the simple robots will open a can and pour the chilled contents into a glass for a thirsty owner.

To win one of the beer-bots, in a promotion for the company's new low malt beer, contestants must collect 36 tokens found on the specially marked beers. But the competition, starting in February, is only open to those in Japan.

Things that don't suck: Taste tests

The Globe has a two good pieces on the various companies that provide delivery services for restaurants that don't deliver (i.e., DiningIn, EatNow). I implicitly trust this review, and it's completely because of this photo. When that girl in the pink talks food, I listen. Apparently she wasn't told she was getting photographed with the Click 5 for this story.

You know what they say, don't ever trust a bald barber or a thin chef.

I've tried DiningIn before, a few times. It's worth it if you order for larger groups of people. Or groups of larger people.

BlogRace: Week of February 1, 2006

BlogRace is a new feature, pitting some of my favorite blogs against one another. In order to win BlogRace, all you have to do is write something that's entertaining to me (after all it's my list). The winners (X5) all receive reciprocal links from my blog (and, seeing that the only people that read my blog are the same people that are competing, you can call this a meaningless battle).

So, just to set everyone straight: I now have three features - Things that suck, Things that don't suck, and BlogRace. And none of them are any good.

This week's winners are:

1. The Prizblog (Challenger +20 years). Fantastic post, written by a a good writer. Who should write a lot more.
   
2. Life of Smiley (Movie Quote Game). The best feature anyone has come up with so far. And I'm kicking all your asses.
3. That's No Moon... (I'm Officially a Steelers fan this weekend). Ben Roethlisburger + Jack Daniels + sorority chicks = paparazzi wet dream.
   
4. The Hag Bag (Adopt or Buy). I love dogs, and I'm going to adopt.
5. The Blog of Bomber (Bomber's Going to War). "...then again, I do work with lawyers." Good times.